writing recommendations

So, I have a bit of a harsh professor this semester, and he recommended that we each write something incredibly personal. For me, he suggested something to do with religion.

And that's something that scares the bejeezus out of me, to use that pun. it seems that if I wrote about that, it would come out so incredibly dark or so incredibly personal or so incredibly biased that I don't know if I could.

Woah what weird dream?

So yeah. Another weird dream blog.

It started out with a cupcake competition. As all good dreams do. There was a cupcake competition on the back of a boat that Allen and I were the cleaning crew for. Not sure why. The grand prize was a gold necklace that somehow fit me perfectly. In order to compete, Allen and I had to crawl through the sand underneath the boat dock to hand the judge cupcakes, without the MC noticing. (BTW, the MC was wearing one of lady gaga's outfits)

But then, the zombie tsunami came. (my dreams words, not mine). It was a large tsunami that came without warning, and killed almost everyone. The rest of us had to flee deeper into the city to escape the dead, who were now crawling back to try to kill us as well.

Me and a group of people, about ten of us, no one I knew, had to flee back to an entirely inside labyrinth of a school. It wasn't a school I recognized. But it was haunted.

It was partially haunted by dogs that had been infected by the T-virus (t for tsunami, logically) who would come and try to rip people to shreds. Those were easy to take care of, you could just shoot them down and it'd be no problem.

Worse was the ghosts. They were the ghosts killed while doing something repetitive, so they're stuck doing it forever. If you disturb them, then they try to kill you. And they couldn't be killed (duh) so you had to try to defend yourself. The one that really scared me was the one playing baseball.

So we wandered through this labyrinth, and came across another group of survivors. There were joyous reunions by some, and I found a college friend, who sadly didn't recognize me until I brought up slenderman. Weird.

Then we came across a dog ghost, while we were all trying to sleep in a giant ballroom. The ghost dog came up and started sniffing us, and one lady said "Please don't attack, this is my peaceful drink, and I don't want to spill it." The dog slinked away, into the corner, keeping an eye on us. And that's when we realized that the ghosts could be talked to and reasoned with.

So the rest of the night we had to be very quiet, for if we moved too loudly the ghost dog raised it's head and growled.

And that was the dream.

3 of my most favorite possessions

Continuing on this blogging thing. this one was, again, fairly difficult to iron down.

But I'm hoping that writing this will help me get motivated to start my outline. Again. This is like the 4th outline.

1. My camera. Yeah, the big old Canon digital eos rebel that's way less advanced then most point and shoot cameras are now. But I love it so much. So many good memories associated with that camera, and so many memories captured by that camera.
   
2. My flute. Cause it's amazingly beautiful, and I practiced so much with it for years. it saddens me that I haven't been as able to play it in recent times.
   
3. This one's gonna sound silly, but my external harddrives and backups of my stories. If my house/apartment started burning down, i would grab one of those so they wouldn't be lost.
   

4 things you wish in a romantic partner

Yeah, Allen fits most of these rather well.

1. MUST be caring. Without this, there is no hope.
   
2. Must be at least respectful of religions, if not outwardly religious.
   
3. Making me laugh is a plus. I have to be able to be silly with them, cause if I can't be silly, I can't be myself.
4. I would like them to be stronger than me, cause I am rather weak, physically, and having someone there to help out is great. Note that this is not a requirement, cause that'd be a rather stupid one, but something that is just rather nice.
   

6 people who mean a lot to me.

AND this one was difficult. I ended up doing a lot of "this GROUP" of people mean a lot to me.

1. The group of friends I call the science fiction cult. Even though we rarely get to watch science fiction together anymore. Bree, Beth, Jad, Alisha, Craig, Whitney, Liz. I could fill this entire list with just them. They are super supportive of me, they make sure I stay on the right path, and even though I can't see them as often as I'd like, I love them dearly.
2. The UCR creative writing peeps. Lisa, Jason, Brian, Estrella, Steve, Belen. Cause even though we didn't really start hanging out until like the last two quarters, they are super awesome and GREAT to encourage me with my writing woes.
3. Allen. Duh. I've written about how awesome he is, of course.
4. My sister. Cause we bicker like crazy, but I never realized how much I talk to her (especially online!) until she went away for basic and doesn't have constant internet. It was really painful the first three weeks.
5. My parents. Cause yes, we differ, but they're still great.
6. My classmates at USC. Cause I am as awkward as heck, and they still hang out with me, and we have tons of fun. AND we get productive writing type things done. Usually.

ten days of writing challenge.

The ten days of writing challenge.

Day 4: write 6 things you wish you had never done.

Well, this is difficult. For everything I could think of, if I didn’t do it, my life would be massively different, and not generally in good ways. So remember that when I’m listing these.

Also, these are rather vague. Deal with it.

1. Have crushes so easily and so deeply my freshman year of college. It made me ignore my schoolwork, ignore my true friends, put far too much emotional energy into it, and nothing came from it except for broken friendships and the knowledge that I would never have worked out with any of the three guys anyways.

2. My living situation for one of the summers in undergraduate. Yes, I was saving money, and living with a friend, but it eventually (like a year and a half and many twists and turns later) led to dissolving of that friendship and a lot of troubles with almost everyone I know. Granted, if I hadn’t, then I’d still be friends with some negative people in my life…but that was a painful way to do it, and it caused more problems than just the dissolution of that friendship.

3. Trusted one of the three people I hate. Ever. That man was never worthy of anything resembling trust. Granted, without that, I would probably have a way too idealistic view of humanity which would not have been good when entering the world…but it was very negative and hurtful.

4. Trusting a one friend’s dealings with another. I took this friend at their word, and didn’t realize that they were systematically lying. It almost cost me my friendship with the other friends, who are too precious to lose like that.

5. Taking the road trip up north freshman year. I was taken advantage of (or, rather, my car was), I lost money out on it because people wouldn’t pay for gas, and it was motivated purely out of selfishness. I didn’t really have any good memories from it, mostly just memories of people mocking me and tearing me down, and it gave those people the message that I could just be mocked and treated that way.

6. Being so timid my first semester of grad school. Granted, my summer was a bit traumatizing, and I didn’t really trust myself to make friends at all, but my classmates are awesome and they completely blew my expectations out of the water.

10 day challenge again

7 things that are always crossing my mind.

1. Hmm, I wonder what [character A] would do if [character B] did this. (you have no idea how much this crosses my mind. Especially when I’m trying to just pass time.)

2. Dear god children are annoying.

3. [insert random lyrics to random song here]

4. I wonder if I did _____ wrong.

5. KITTY!!

6. Oooh, Shiny! (I get easily distracted)

7. Damn homework…

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1. cook me food that won't kill me.
2. Be available for cuddles, and lots of them. I am an affectionate person.
3. Understand that I am weird, and accept it.
4. Go with me on long car drives. Cause I am weird and can't stand driving alone.
5. Make me laugh, and make me laugh when I least expect it. Surprise me with laughter.
6. Be compassionate, and don't think the worst about people.
7. Let me play the video games with you. None of that "its for men" crap.
8. Actually, never pull any of that "it's for men" crap. I'll enjoy what I want to enjoy, and don't dictate it for me.

day two: 9 things about myself

nine things about myself? I think I can do that.

1. My self esteem is shit. And let me clarify: not my physical self esteem. I actually think I have a rather nice body most of the time. But my self esteem about my personality and self. I get paranoid, I constantly think I shouldn't be valued, and I have problems trusting that my own instincts are correct.
   
2. If you see me just sitting there, or sitting there and playing solitare or playing on my cell phone, I'm almost certainly thinking about my screenplays and stories. without fail. I do it while driving as well. I think about them a LOT.
3. I only hate three people. That number hasn't changed in about four years, verging on five. There are people I dislike, but not hate. it's a special quantification for me.
   
4. I have messed up dreams. Seriously people. They're like a psychologists wet dream.
   
5. I grew up in a very conservative area with very conservative parents who still believe that the government should run the country from the biblical laws, mostly.
   
6. I have a very musical background. I have competed with voice and the flute, and miss doing it actively.
   
7. I wasn't allowed to watch TV or movies until I got to college. Now I'm a film major. Yay!
8. I love apartment living. I can see myself living in apartments for a very long time, maybe in vancouver. I kinda hope to someday write for the Syfy channel and live up in Vancouver.
   
9. I have rather weak bones. I have broken three fingers, both wrists twice, my foot, and my upper arm. Yup.
   

It's been way too long...lets jump start it.

This is me trying to remember how to blog again, cause I also get more stuff done when I blog.

So here it is: Ten different items to write about over ten days.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

Day Seven: Four things you want in a romantic partner.

Day Eight: Three of your favorite possessions.

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life or yourself right now.

Day Ten: One confession

DAY ONE:

* here’s my heart. You have it. Be nice to it. You’re doing a pretty good job so far.

+ I remember, when I first met you about a year ago, I thought you were pretty ditzy and crazy. While I still think that, you’re also one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, and I’m so glad I got to know you beyond that initial impression.

- You have a stick so far up your ass you can’t see that you’re ruining your business with your greed. Relax. The customers are not the enemies.

+ This sounds small, but one day last semester I was having a horrid day, and you took me aside and gave me a hug and told me three things I should be proud of. That basically made my month.

- Please take things slower. I don’t know if you’re going down the correct path or not, but I can guarantee you’re barreling down it way too fast to tell. Wait things out. You don’t have to have the rest of your life ironed down right this moment.

+ You’re like a little brother to me, which means I kinda want to slap you upside the head, but seriously, I do want you to succeed.

- I still don’t think you’re aware of how much you hurt me. Stop pretending to be the victim, it doesn’t give you free reign to be a jackass. Also, people can’t read minds. It’s bullshit to be mad at people for not changing if you never told them that you had a problem with them.

+ I wish I could be as confident in my writing as you are. Cause you’re impressive. Maybe it has to do with age, or experience, but you impress me with how sure of your writing you are.

- Thanks for making me doubt my every word to you. Now I feel, whenever I speak or act and you hear about it, you’re gonna make my life hell again.

+ It seems strange of how good of friends we are now. But I love it. You are seriously one of the most supportive and friendly people I know, and I’m blessed to call you a close friend. You are patient with me, you are caring, and we have some awesome weird memories together.

Getting better?

I almost had a depressive episode last night. I slept in the same bed I slept in the night of the graduation party that started this all.

The key word was almost.

Instead I made myself think about dancing with Allen, how we were out of breath, how we were smiling, and how it felt so good, how our legs were so sore, and how we got to hug and move to the music.

Feeling better

One long walk.

A half failed cooking experiment.

My boyfriend back.

Two kittens who have finally forgiven me for having Allen leave us for 2 days.

The SNL commercial parody marathon.

Chocolate.

My kitten sitting on my phone, then getting scared when I called it.

A lot of making out.

Getting the brita water to work again.

And finishing homework.

And I feel better than I did this morning.

Why I am down today

Last night, I somehow fell asleep on my back. Which almost never happens, cause I'm not too comfortable on my back. The only way that happens is if I'm uncomfortably tossing and turning, and somehow turn over on my back for a few seconds to try something different, and that's where I fell asleep. This has happened maybe...4 times since starting college? And I always wake up and feel kind of odd afterwards.

And I always remember my dreams when sleeping on my back. And they're generally leave me in a strange mood.

So, in this one, there was a Renaissance faire at UCLA. So despite hating UCLA's policies on admissions and such, I went there and hung out with the yeoman. That was awesome.

While there, I saw a person who I used to consider a friend, but had an awful falling out with. And I greeted her, and we talked, and there was no. bitterness. And that was amazing. I didn't have any problems with her, and she didn't have any problems with me. We recognized in the dream how unusual it was, and how this was the first time we had talked since the falling out happened, but there wasn't any accusing or hating. There was just an acceptance that it happened, and normal conversation.

Later in the conversation, we met up with her boyfriend, who the falling out was just as bad with. He was surprised that I was talking to them, but went along. Later in that, he said "I'm so sorry for any of my part in the mess." and I said the same. And there was, again, no bitterness and no anger.

This has got me down because it could never happen. I don't think I could ever not be that bitter towards them. The dream was magical, I wasn't angry or bitter. I loved it. I wish I could be like that in actuality.

But I know I'll also never get that opportunity.

And that is why I feel down.

Angry sick rant

Ever have those days where there are a lot of really not so fun little things going on? That's today and yesterday.

Crazy dream after Ren Faire

So I went to the Northern California Renaissance Faire this weekend. It was a blast. It was amazing. I will write about it more later. But probably not on this, probably in some sort of script. I will send it to those who ask when I actually write it.

But yes, this blog post is about my dream last night.

So, in the dream I was being chased by some odd corporation through an indistinct area at USC. At least, I think it was USC. It was also at some sort of a mall, or random shopping center that had school stuff in it as well. I think. There were stores and then there were study areas. That were also religious expression areas.

But yes. I was being chased for some sort of genetic testing. and it was imperative that I MUST get away from them. I was being chased by a woman (who looked surprisingly like George at Ren Faire) and they needed me for something.

I would run outside, trying to make as many turn as possible, stay and try to catch my breath and have a conversation with someone about those who were chasing me. And then the chasers would be right there and I'd have to start running again.

So I ran into the second floor of the USC commons, and got a bit ahead of them. So I ducked into the room, which was filled with the Ethiopian episcopalian univeralists group. I swear, that was what it was. They were in the middle of their chanting exercise. And despite being the Ethiopian group, they were all blond haired and blue eyed. The main guy kinda looked like a young Rutger Hauer from blade runner. I asked them about that, and they told me to not be racist. But they let me hide there. I could hear my chasers asking about everyone. They told them they needed me because I'm talented, and they needed me to breed. That rather scared me.

And then, while I was sitting in the corner, hiding, my chasers just appeared right in front of me, their arms all crossed. They grabbed me and hoisted me up, putting me in handcuffs. The Young Rutger Hauer just shrugged and said they were more persuasive than me.

And then the dream got weird.

I got taken into a facility where it was all about exploiting the subconscious. They would hook up me and my fellow prisoners (one was Dustin Hoffman) and we would see what was going on in their subconscious on the big screen. Yes, my subconscious was dreaming about my subconscious. The weirdest one was someone was dreaming of someone, but could only see their hair, but their hair was covered with tiny holograms of their face in blue and pink. That and someone was dreaming of running around and chopping up people's arms.

I had an opportunity to go swim, where I met with a young man who I fell in love with, but by this point I was destined to be with the young Rutger Hauer. My captors kept on presenting me with all the reasons why I had to be with him on an excel spreadsheet.

Quotes of the day

In class, we had to write "scenes of seduction".

as a result, there are some hysterical quotes of the day:

• "He palms her ass with fervor."
• "Ken doesn't turn to acknowledge the Man though he can feel the Man's eyes on him, creepy and lusting."
• " Jesus, boy I hope you were using a rubber!"
• "Of course there’s cat hair back there, this is a cat hotel!"
• "When I smoke weed, the rhymes come right out of my soul and shit."
• "Dude, I ain't making no motherfuckin gay-ass sex tape with you."
• 
  

Well

Well, I didn't get into the finalist round of the International Page awards. Yeah, I'm bummed.

At least I made it rather far. Top 25. That's pretty good.

I need another one of these

I have been beaten up a bit, and having problems with self worth. so, here's another positive post.

1. My acting class is fantastic. It's fun to explore, it's fun to try things out, and it's fun with the people.
2. I am worth enough that an amazing guy loves me, picks me up from the train station, cooks for me, and rubs my back. I am worth enough that I was able to get into one of the most competitive schools in my field, never-less the world. I am worth enough that my sister gave me her old pirate coat. I am worth enough that I have the freedom to live my life away from my parents, with two adorable kittens, and an amazing apartment.
3. I am a woman who knows how to shoot guns, use knives, run, cook, dress in interesting (and sometimes weird) ways, pull off a short haircut, shop at a thrift store, write about spirituality, wear a cross necklace, wear hiking boots, plan out healthy menus, stay in a stable relationship, watch a movie and know why it works, walk up to seven miles without a break (possibly more, just haven't tried) and bring people to tears with my writing. And these are all reasons why I should love myself as a person. And no one can take this away from me, and I shouldn't LET anyone take this away from me just because they're insecure or manipulative.
   

First day of grad school

So, Life got a hold of me and distracted me from doing these. BUT! As yesterday was fantastic and the first day of grad school, I simply have to do one of these.

1. My "big sibling" in the program, the equivalent of the peer mentors, said I was probably the most enthusiastic person about the program. And he said that shall serve me well. And that my writing experience will actually help me a ton in the program. And that I'll be able to write a lot, and have it pay off for me. (And that Judd Apatow's apparently a really normal person and will probably visit school sometime.)
2. The train system WORKS! The trolly/tram is rather annoying, but I liked the train. There was a girl on it taking the train into LA to get her picture taken for the DMV and interview for a job as a stripper. Interesting, yes?
3. So. My screenwriting class. Is epic. I mean, seriously epic. Completely and totally epic. in class we had to write three scenes. They all had to include only one character, going into a location, finding an item and having an emotional reaction, and then leaving. We couldn't use dialogue. We had to use the same character, location, and item for all three. The first scene had to be a comedy, the second had to be a love story, the third had to be a horror.

Thursday in two cities

1. Allen and I talked about some of the issues that have been making things hard to deal with. In short, with everything going on, we have "short fuses." I have a short fuse with myself. I'm believing that everything I do is just going to be put on a list of why people don't like me, which makes me incredibly skittish and paranoid about all my actions. Allen has a short fuse in the traditional sense...he's been much more reactionary than usual. Why is this on the good list? Cause we talked about them, they're now on the radar, and we can help each other on the issues.
2. I got to cook with Candy (Allen's mom) some. We had a dish that we both did differently, so we combined the way we cook it. And it was fantastic. The only person who didn't like it was Allen, and that's cause he doesn't like Baked Beans. (The recipe was: Bush's Baked beans, a pound of bacon, ketchup, mustard, bbq sauce, and brown sugar!)
3. So, we had been wanting to get another kitten, but we really couldn't because of money. And we might -might - have found a way where we could, with absolutely no problems!