Early at work with little to do.

So, no facebook for me this week. It gets me too frustrated and angry. Not at facebook, and I probably can avoid it, but we all know the "anger off" switch doesn't always work too quickly for me. It takes work. So, to help me work on it this week, I'm avoiding the issue. Lovely rational, right? Yup.

So now I need a new way to amuse myself at work.

IM me. Please.

Four?

So, I've talked before about how there's three people in the world I hate.  That number might be changing.

But then again, it might not.

I was thinking about the people I "hate".  Just to enumerate, there's the person who messed with me, the person who messed with my family, and the person who messed with my friend.

And the person who messed with a friend...well I've been thinking about him. In the long run my friend turned out okay.  And he sorta dropped off the face of the world.  And I haven't had ANY sort of contact.  The wounds he gave my friend have faded, and she is now a well adjusted human being.  I'm not close friends with her anymore, but we certainly talk still.  And she is fine.

So that would make the number down to two, right?

Wrong.

Lotsa people think the know two of the people on my list.  They think it's Marina and Luis.  Whatever.  They're not that important in that scheme of things.  Yeah, they hurt me, but all in all I grew from the experience.  

However, there is someone who is BUGGING THE CRAP out of me.  Like, I get kinda mad just at the mere mention of her.  

This is not a good thing.

I saw her the other day, and it kinda got me in an angry mood for a while.  And then she keeps on doing stuff on the internet.  And I just get frustrated.

What a lovely thing.

Depressed and I don't know why.

For some reason, lately, I've just been as depressed as heck.  I can't really identify why, either. I get frustrated with my friends really easily, I'm having trouble writing, I feel like I can't go to church, I feel like everything's falling apart.

And to make it even more frustrating, I HAVE NO REASON TO BE THIS WAY.

I love Audeamus

So today was a meeting.  We were stuck in an office for it, so we all crammed in there.

We have a better mood in there, anyways.  

So, we pulled apart plastic frogs, talked about Patrick and Kevin's play, talked about AJ beaming the internet up on the wall through his eyes, talked about programming and amazing poster design, decided we had different levels of quirk, put up a bunch of information, decided on phase 2 of the audeamus website, named "prettydeamus", talked a surprising amount about theater, got three quotes while in the meeting, and obsessed about Mr. Bumbledeer.

I love that group.

Vampire dream

So, it started out by my family going camping.  They were going to pick me up at Riverside, but my parents forgot the one book I was supposed to be reading, so I convinced them to take me to the Used bookstore in riverside so I could get something to read.  And I could only read the "second" and "third" book in the Twilight series (even though I hated the first one.)

So we basically tore that bookstore upside down trying to find it, and we were unsuccessful.  They had books with the same cover, books about finding God in Twilight, books about vampires, scripts about vampires, but not the book.

And then real vampires started invading the store.  I went and hid in the restroom, and I cried foul to anyone who tried to come in, cause that wasn't fair, cause I was in the bathroom.

Good days and optimism

There need to be so many more good days.

I Imed a friend from Whittier yesterday, saying "things are actually looking up."

And I realized I don't say or recognize that near enough.

Me

I am not perfect.  And I need to be less so.

I'm always concerned with trying to appear perfect.  Cover up any nasty backstory.  

And don't always ask, just do.

I'm always worried about offending people if I do, though.  I want to just say things, do things, make mistakes, act impulsively.  But...I don't want to cross boundaries that make people uncomfortable.  I don't want to assume stuff that hurts people.  I don't want to just act and end up losing people because of it.  

And then that puts me right back into the "appear" and "be" perfect mode.  And that has far too high a cost.

I can't help but think of all the things that can go wrong.

I am forced to think of the consequences of my actions.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO.