Getting better?

I almost had a depressive episode last night. I slept in the same bed I slept in the night of the graduation party that started this all.

The key word was almost.

Instead I made myself think about dancing with Allen, how we were out of breath, how we were smiling, and how it felt so good, how our legs were so sore, and how we got to hug and move to the music.

Feeling better

One long walk.

A half failed cooking experiment.

My boyfriend back.

Two kittens who have finally forgiven me for having Allen leave us for 2 days.

The SNL commercial parody marathon.

Chocolate.

My kitten sitting on my phone, then getting scared when I called it.

A lot of making out.

Getting the brita water to work again.

And finishing homework.

And I feel better than I did this morning.

Why I am down today

Last night, I somehow fell asleep on my back. Which almost never happens, cause I'm not too comfortable on my back. The only way that happens is if I'm uncomfortably tossing and turning, and somehow turn over on my back for a few seconds to try something different, and that's where I fell asleep. This has happened maybe...4 times since starting college? And I always wake up and feel kind of odd afterwards.

And I always remember my dreams when sleeping on my back. And they're generally leave me in a strange mood.

So, in this one, there was a Renaissance faire at UCLA. So despite hating UCLA's policies on admissions and such, I went there and hung out with the yeoman. That was awesome.

While there, I saw a person who I used to consider a friend, but had an awful falling out with. And I greeted her, and we talked, and there was no. bitterness. And that was amazing. I didn't have any problems with her, and she didn't have any problems with me. We recognized in the dream how unusual it was, and how this was the first time we had talked since the falling out happened, but there wasn't any accusing or hating. There was just an acceptance that it happened, and normal conversation.

Later in the conversation, we met up with her boyfriend, who the falling out was just as bad with. He was surprised that I was talking to them, but went along. Later in that, he said "I'm so sorry for any of my part in the mess." and I said the same. And there was, again, no bitterness and no anger.

This has got me down because it could never happen. I don't think I could ever not be that bitter towards them. The dream was magical, I wasn't angry or bitter. I loved it. I wish I could be like that in actuality.

But I know I'll also never get that opportunity.

And that is why I feel down.

Angry sick rant

Ever have those days where there are a lot of really not so fun little things going on? That's today and yesterday.

Crazy dream after Ren Faire

So I went to the Northern California Renaissance Faire this weekend. It was a blast. It was amazing. I will write about it more later. But probably not on this, probably in some sort of script. I will send it to those who ask when I actually write it.

But yes, this blog post is about my dream last night.

So, in the dream I was being chased by some odd corporation through an indistinct area at USC. At least, I think it was USC. It was also at some sort of a mall, or random shopping center that had school stuff in it as well. I think. There were stores and then there were study areas. That were also religious expression areas.

But yes. I was being chased for some sort of genetic testing. and it was imperative that I MUST get away from them. I was being chased by a woman (who looked surprisingly like George at Ren Faire) and they needed me for something.

I would run outside, trying to make as many turn as possible, stay and try to catch my breath and have a conversation with someone about those who were chasing me. And then the chasers would be right there and I'd have to start running again.

So I ran into the second floor of the USC commons, and got a bit ahead of them. So I ducked into the room, which was filled with the Ethiopian episcopalian univeralists group. I swear, that was what it was. They were in the middle of their chanting exercise. And despite being the Ethiopian group, they were all blond haired and blue eyed. The main guy kinda looked like a young Rutger Hauer from blade runner. I asked them about that, and they told me to not be racist. But they let me hide there. I could hear my chasers asking about everyone. They told them they needed me because I'm talented, and they needed me to breed. That rather scared me.

And then, while I was sitting in the corner, hiding, my chasers just appeared right in front of me, their arms all crossed. They grabbed me and hoisted me up, putting me in handcuffs. The Young Rutger Hauer just shrugged and said they were more persuasive than me.

And then the dream got weird.

I got taken into a facility where it was all about exploiting the subconscious. They would hook up me and my fellow prisoners (one was Dustin Hoffman) and we would see what was going on in their subconscious on the big screen. Yes, my subconscious was dreaming about my subconscious. The weirdest one was someone was dreaming of someone, but could only see their hair, but their hair was covered with tiny holograms of their face in blue and pink. That and someone was dreaming of running around and chopping up people's arms.

I had an opportunity to go swim, where I met with a young man who I fell in love with, but by this point I was destined to be with the young Rutger Hauer. My captors kept on presenting me with all the reasons why I had to be with him on an excel spreadsheet.

Quotes of the day

In class, we had to write "scenes of seduction".

as a result, there are some hysterical quotes of the day:

• "He palms her ass with fervor."
• "Ken doesn't turn to acknowledge the Man though he can feel the Man's eyes on him, creepy and lusting."
• " Jesus, boy I hope you were using a rubber!"
• "Of course there’s cat hair back there, this is a cat hotel!"
• "When I smoke weed, the rhymes come right out of my soul and shit."
• "Dude, I ain't making no motherfuckin gay-ass sex tape with you."
• 
  

Well

Well, I didn't get into the finalist round of the International Page awards. Yeah, I'm bummed.

At least I made it rather far. Top 25. That's pretty good.

I need another one of these

I have been beaten up a bit, and having problems with self worth. so, here's another positive post.

1. My acting class is fantastic. It's fun to explore, it's fun to try things out, and it's fun with the people.
2. I am worth enough that an amazing guy loves me, picks me up from the train station, cooks for me, and rubs my back. I am worth enough that I was able to get into one of the most competitive schools in my field, never-less the world. I am worth enough that my sister gave me her old pirate coat. I am worth enough that I have the freedom to live my life away from my parents, with two adorable kittens, and an amazing apartment.
3. I am a woman who knows how to shoot guns, use knives, run, cook, dress in interesting (and sometimes weird) ways, pull off a short haircut, shop at a thrift store, write about spirituality, wear a cross necklace, wear hiking boots, plan out healthy menus, stay in a stable relationship, watch a movie and know why it works, walk up to seven miles without a break (possibly more, just haven't tried) and bring people to tears with my writing. And these are all reasons why I should love myself as a person. And no one can take this away from me, and I shouldn't LET anyone take this away from me just because they're insecure or manipulative.
   

First day of grad school

So, Life got a hold of me and distracted me from doing these. BUT! As yesterday was fantastic and the first day of grad school, I simply have to do one of these.

1. My "big sibling" in the program, the equivalent of the peer mentors, said I was probably the most enthusiastic person about the program. And he said that shall serve me well. And that my writing experience will actually help me a ton in the program. And that I'll be able to write a lot, and have it pay off for me. (And that Judd Apatow's apparently a really normal person and will probably visit school sometime.)
2. The train system WORKS! The trolly/tram is rather annoying, but I liked the train. There was a girl on it taking the train into LA to get her picture taken for the DMV and interview for a job as a stripper. Interesting, yes?
3. So. My screenwriting class. Is epic. I mean, seriously epic. Completely and totally epic. in class we had to write three scenes. They all had to include only one character, going into a location, finding an item and having an emotional reaction, and then leaving. We couldn't use dialogue. We had to use the same character, location, and item for all three. The first scene had to be a comedy, the second had to be a love story, the third had to be a horror.

Thursday in two cities

1. Allen and I talked about some of the issues that have been making things hard to deal with. In short, with everything going on, we have "short fuses." I have a short fuse with myself. I'm believing that everything I do is just going to be put on a list of why people don't like me, which makes me incredibly skittish and paranoid about all my actions. Allen has a short fuse in the traditional sense...he's been much more reactionary than usual. Why is this on the good list? Cause we talked about them, they're now on the radar, and we can help each other on the issues.
2. I got to cook with Candy (Allen's mom) some. We had a dish that we both did differently, so we combined the way we cook it. And it was fantastic. The only person who didn't like it was Allen, and that's cause he doesn't like Baked Beans. (The recipe was: Bush's Baked beans, a pound of bacon, ketchup, mustard, bbq sauce, and brown sugar!)
3. So, we had been wanting to get another kitten, but we really couldn't because of money. And we might -might - have found a way where we could, with absolutely no problems!

Wednesday

As more and more dramatic things are happening, it's getting more and more difficult to do this blog. It's been harder for me to see positive things But it's good for me. Even if I start to feel like nothing positive is happening, it really, really is. Yesterday was AMAZING, except for the first three hours and the last two hours of it. But, that's not what this blog is about.

So, here's the positive

1. I had an AMAZING DAY with my friends! Me, Bree, Beth, Whitney, Alisha, and Liz did a photoshoot, and it's epic! It was amazing! I need to do more photoshoots, and I need to hang out with actual positive friends like them more often! It was amazing! I haven't laughed so hard in ages, and I haven't felt this comfortable in a group of people in about sixth months! It was fabulous.
   
2. I got to wear my red Ren Faire tunic to work. Yes, this is small, but it constantly cheered me up while I was at work. I should wear comfy weird clothes more often.
3. And this is gonna sound like I'm stretching it, but when I was moving out of bannockburn, I put a scented candle in my car and forgot about it. Now, whenever there's a warm day, the candle wax remelts (it's in a glass jar) and makes my entire car smell like lilac and vanilla. I rather like it a lot.
   

describing tuesday - difficult

To put it mildly, Tuesday was not a good day. At all. Still, gonna try to be positive for this.

1. At work we had the creepy hobo that you can read about in my previous entry, but at least she was saying that I'd make money. At least she wasn't one of the gloom and doom clairvoyant hobos. She said I was going to make money. that's a positive, at least?
2. I got to talk to Jess for like an hour. And it was interesting conversation! About exes, school, religion, colleges, our past, ect. It was fun.
3. While I was at the beach with the friends, me, Sharon, Paul, and Sarah went on a nightime walk along the shore, where we saw a sand mermaid, a sand hole (where I got a hilarious picture of Sarah crouching in it) and a bunch of random sandcastles. We also had fun running along the wet sand and avoiding getting into the cold ocean.
   

Creepiest riverside experience!

Me and my coworker walked across the parking lot at the UV to get 7-11, and we were walking back, and had just gotten to the stairs to our office. One of the insane UV hobos was dancing at the base of the stairs. me and my coworker got most of the way up the stairs, and she turned around and said "excuse me, miss?"

so we looked down, and she was leaning up the stairs, supporting herself with her arms and blocking the stairs, her eyes open WIDE. She had a giant scar on her head, and her lips were black.

She said "THE LORD HAS REVEALED TO ME THAT YOU WILL HAVE FINANCIAL GAIN! CAPITAL GAIN! CAPITAL MONEY! Money, financial, capital, capital gain! Is this true?"

Already kinda freaked out, I said "I think you must be mistaken."

So she replied "THE LORD HAS REVEALED IT TO ME AND you must say yes or no. yes or no. yes or no. You must answer"

Me and my coworker continued walking back up, kinda freaked out, and she yelled up after us "YOU MUST ANSWER THE LORD!"

So, monday, with the incredible randomness

1. So, I went out to search for jobs. One of the things I was looking into was bartending school, so I went over to the one in Riverside. I was talking with the owner (generally impressed with the school) and he asked about previous job experience. I mentioned that I worked in the office, and he asked what type. I told him I did web content, and it was as if I made their day. So I got offered a job doing web marketing on commission.
   
2. I finished watching Zorro. Now I'm definitely formulating characters. For the first time since this summer turned sour (June 24th) I feel actually inspired to write.
   
3. I realized that it was only one week until I go to grad school orientation, and two weeks until I start classes, and my last day of work is next week. Things are happening fast!
   

Wine!

1. So Allen and I went to see our friend Alexa in a play in a winery. Actually, we knew most of the cast, so it was kind of awesome. And the wine was fantastic. And a cat interrupted the play by running across the stage. I kinda loved it.
2. So I found that I might be able to take the train to USC every day. That's pretty darned fantastic. AND my parents said that they'll donate 100$ a month towards paying for the train. That's even more fantastic.
3. I started watching Zorro. I had never seen it before, and now my mind is whirling. For perhaps the first time this summer, I feel inspired to write. I'm already creating characters.

Saturday - the busy day!

1. So...on the way to Lisa's house, we were supposed to be getting on the 210W. And somehow we ended up on the 15N. And in Hisperia. Where we saw a shirt that said "Yahweh's floors and carpets" and a store called "Zippy lube-a-truck" and a strip club named "THE FUN ZONE!". We have come to the conclusion that there is indeed a sadder place than Riverside.
2. Lisa made amazing Sangria. But the best part of the workshop was the reception to my piece. I had submitted the first 30 pages (the first 2 acts) of my zombie show, and they loved it. Jeppeson said "I now know why you got into USC." and Estrella said "I was gasping."
3. We went over to Aaron's place for Rock Band after his show, and it was fantastic. Got to see Douchey singing in falsetto. Got to rock "savior" by Rise against. It was fantastic.

Missing two days here

So lets do the good that happened on Thursday and Friday.

Thursday

1. Got to see an ADORABLE children's show. My coworker, Cameron, was in a musical version of Robin hood, and he was the Sheriff of Nottingham. The play was adorable. I cannot say that enough. There were little children, 5 villains, Robin Hood also acted like the Scarlet Pimpernel, it had all the makings of an AWFUL show, but it was just too adorable.
2. Got to make Orange chicken, which was tasty. Haven't made it since I lived in Falkirk.
3. Got to play a little bit of WoW with Allen, which was fun. This sounds so simple, but we were doing something called "Pick Up Groups" and it was a blast!

Friday

1. I slept in until 1:30 pm. Yup.
2. We went on a walk all around UCR. It was hot, it was sweaty, but it was utterly fantastic. On the walk we stopped by to see Professors (missed them all) and stopped and got water and such. It was fun.
3. Went to Chris's birthday party. On the drive there, there was a construction truck with a giant Elmo stuffed animal IMPALED on one of the posts. It's mouth was continuously gaping open (cause it was impaled near the neck and face) and the feet were flopping in the wind. It was quite a bit hysterical. Once at the party, there a few future creative writing majors there, as well as just tons of weird people.

the three things project

I've been astoundingly negative about my life right now.

And yes, negative things have been happening in my life. This is true. Actually, this is probably the biggest bout of negative things happening in my life for a bit of a while. So yeah. I've been down. I've been rather depressed. It's been really hard for me to focus on anything positive, even when I know the positive things are out there and I enjoy them. It's been hard for me to trust people, even people I've known for a long time, and to believe them when they say something. I've been paranoid.

And I don't like that too much.

So here's what I'm doing. Every day I'm gonna post a blog with three positive things that happened the day before. If I forget a day, then I'll do 6 on the next day I remember. I need something to get my butt to remember that there is good for me to focus on.

So, three things about yesterday:

1. Got to see my sister's new costuming stuff. She made the white princess Leia dress, and it looks awesome.

2. Got to see Allen while I was at work. Yeah, I love that. It's a nice little break between all the monotony that work can be. We took a quick walk around, got to stretch my legs a bit. I love that.

3. Prop 8 got declared unconstitutional. Yeah, I know a lot of people don't consider this a good thing, but it was amazing to hear the joy from my friends in the lgbt community.

conflicted post

I have learned that posting about the drama in my life is a really bad idea. Everyone likes reading about drama, it's interesting, but it has the distinct possibility to hurt people.

I just wish it wasn't so, cause I'm like bursting at the seams to talk about this one particular instance of really awful, really hurtful drama.

But if I do, I only come across as bitter and giving validation to this person's point of view. Ah, frustrations.

Random quiz thingie!

Promise to take this without deleting any questions?
I won't delete any, I might decline to state.

You're single, why?
I'm not single.

What does your last text say?
"I only have a bed and a minifridge"

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
Yeah. A few things. Not anything major, but a few things. Like decisions I made or things that I did.

Do you know someone who has been in jail?
Yup. Don't you?

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with the letter A?
My boyfriend's name is Allen. Yeah.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
I've stolen some of Allen's shirts. They're soft.

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
There hasn't really been anything bad on here. so if they manage to judge me off of this, then good job.

Are you easily amused?
SHINY!!!!

Do you speak more than 6 languages?
I can roughly speak 2, with a smattering of two more.

Do you watch MTV anymore?
Heck no. I don't even own a tv.

Is your hair naturally straight?
VERY INCREDIBLY.

What was the last thing you bought?
Fatburger from Fatburger. If you don't count food, then...Gas?

Did you have a good day yesterday?
Mixed fairly evenly. Boring day at work (-) fun playing WoW with Jess (+) Dinner with my dad at the Olde Ship (++) talk about a depressing circumstance in the ride back (-) being way too grumpy and sleep deprived (-)

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name starts with a J?
Don't think so.

Do you like dark or light jeans better?
Dark. Light ones look silly on me.

Whose hoodie did you last wear?
Uhh...mine?

Has anyone ever hurt you?
Dumb question. Yes.

Do you like hugs?
Absolutely. It's one of the problems I have when I go to Whittier. No one hugs me there.

What is the last reason you cried?
Utter exhaustion. I had only 3 hours of sleep, drove 100 miles, had an intense argument, and was then just melted into tears.

Could you even go 30 minutes without cursing?
I don't swear too much at all, actually. So yeah, I can.

Ever been called babe?
Yeah, I don't like it at all. I have a name, use it. Shorten the name, sure, but use it.

Do you have a best friend?
Yup!

You kissed someone last night, didn't you?
Absolutely! Several times, in fact.

Where is the person you last kissed at this moment?
He's in our apartment, playing WoW and playing with the kitten.

Are you one of those people who constantly check the time?
I always have to know what time it is. At my house in whittier, there is a clock within eyesight no matter where you stand or what direction you're facing.

When you're angry, do you take it out on everyone else?
I generally don't.

Do you love or hate straightening your hair?
I have no need to.

What happened at 10:00 am?
I was about to leave my apartment for work. I think I was carrying around the cat on my shoulder/neck.

Have you made someone happy today?
:) I believe I have.

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn't?
Yes, definitely. I am not a person prone to confrontations.

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
Hmm, if I had to choose, I'd say goodie goodie, but possibly neither.

What's the last movie you saw in theaters and with whom?
I think it was the new Robin Hood with Allen and two friends.

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
Oh absolutely. It happens. It's happened particularly recently, but that doesn't mean it always happens.

Your parents are out of town for the weekend. Do you throw a blowout party?
I don't even live in the same town as my parents.

What's one thing that really pisses you off?
Dishonesty. Going behind people's backs.

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
Probably a concert, but it depends who's throwing the concert.

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
Unfortunately yeah. I felt bad pretty quickly, though.

Do you have more friends of the same sex or the opposite sex?
I'd say opposite sex, though that's slowly changing.

Do you secretly like drama?
no. I not so secretely revel in it's dramatic dramaticness. (/sarcasm at the stupid question)

Are you a jealous person?
Not really? I don't so much get jealous as I get frustrated.

Where were you 1 hour ago?
I was out on a small lunch date. It was fantastic.

Are you wearing socks right now? What do they look like?
Yeah, but they're hidden in my shoes.

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Gatorade! Yay electrolytes.

Last food you ate?
fatburger.

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Not within the last week. I did buy a skirt a week and a half ago.

What's the last sporting event you watched?
The historical tennis match that happened this year at Wimbleton. Look it up.

What is the last thing you purchased online?
Does paying my gas count? No? then I guess...my firefly shirt.

Do you miss anyone?
Right at this moment? Nope. You think I would be, but nope.

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every week?
Nah, I actually am in a fairly serious relationship.

Would you ever consider piercing your lip?
I've considered it, but only in the way of "what would I look like if..." but then I discounted it.

Do you hate being the first person to start a conversation?
I kinda sorta do. Not hate hate, but I definitely like it if someone else starts it.

Has a boy ever thrown stones or pebbles at your window before?
Nope.

Are your eyes the same color as your Mom's or Dad's?
As my dad's. my mom has pretty blue eyes.

Will you ever run away and get married at Las Vegas with no notifications?
Tempting, but no. I would want the people I love to be at my wedding.

Do you think that crying is a form of weakness?
Haha half and half. I always feel weak when I cry, but I always feel much stronger afterwards.

New phone or new computer?
I just got a new computer, so a new phone would be nice.

What did you do last night?
Have dinner with my dad at a kick ass restaurant.

Do you trust people easily?
Not really.

Is there anything written on your arms?
Nope, haven't done that since high school.

Do you wear make-up everyday?
I wear make up about half the time.

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
Oh yes.

How would you look with blonde hair?
My natural color is blond.

How has the past week been for you?
Actually fairly awful. Someone very dear to me is in the hospital.

What's on your mind right now?
Almost done with work!

What is your current mood?
Tired in the "why can't this drama end" sort of way.

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
I don't have to do ANYTHING except go out to lunch with friends.

Will this weekend be a good one?
Absolutely! I'm meeting with USC people, I'm seeing a friend perform stand up in Hollywood, and yeah!

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
I graduated!

Ever kissed someone who was high?
Absolutely not.

Ever purposely broken your iPod/phone just for a new one?
Ew no.

Ever kissed a green eyed person?
Allen occasionally has green eyes.

Did the last person you kiss have piercings?
No

Do you dislike the last person you kissed?
no

Can you get over people easily?
nah.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
Absolutely

Are you on a desktop or laptop?
I strongly dislike desktops

Summer

It's summer now, which means I have my goals and my ideas.

Goals:

1. Correct my posture. I often slouch, especially at work, so by the end of the day my back always aches. So yeah, whenever I think about it, to sit up straight and not slouch. This will take a while.
2. Avoid facebook at work. The obvious exception to this is signing on so I can get onto fb chat, so I can get stuff from my boss and coworkers when they use it to contact me.
   
3. Only walk to work, unless I'm really late or sick. Other than that, I will walk. I am always happier when I walk. I'll keep in better shape. Yeah. Generally more happy.
4. Write a full mini episode at least once a week. More on that in ideas.
5. See if I can film once a month. More on that in ideas.
6. Investigate into turning my little netbook into a hackentosh. Cause I hate PCs that much. :P
   

Ideas:

1. So, yesterday at pitchfest, one woman told me how hard it would be to market the zombie script, and she gave me an amazing suggestion. Make small, 5 minute webisodes. Show the world what is unique about my idea. And that sounds like SO MUCH FUN! So yes. I will be writing one of these a week and shooting once a month.
2. Do lots of step outlines, so I have those going into the program at USC. :D
3. Do a step outline for the female Bond, the red neck spy comedy, and the Utopia idea. And possibly the family drama, if I get the guts to do it.
   

Witch Doctor.

Yup. I'm at work. It's the only time I really blog. Too busy the other parts of the day. Which is rather sad.

This weekend I discovered an Album on my ipod entitled "Family Fun from the 1950's and beyond." and it's epic. It has the song "Witch Doctor" on it. As in the whole "Oooh Eee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang" chorus.

And it is now stuck in your head. At least I have succeeded in that.

This side of inconvenience.

Day 17 with no internet at home. All my updates and email checking happen at work or at a coffee shop. It is on this side of inconvenience.

I have life updates.

I now have an adorable kitten. His name is Jamie. He's white with black splotches, and overall very cute. But he's talkative. SO VERY TALKATIVE. As in we think he has abandonment issues. Each time he loses eye contact with us, he starts meowing. It's...distracting. But he's still adorable. And rather friendly. There has not been a person to come over that he HASN'T liked. He's fallen asleep on Evan's lap, he's wrestled with Whiskers, and yeah.

Strangely enough, the only person he ever gives problems to is Allen. They have a weird male dominance thing going on. Not that they don't get along, Jamie will as soon cuddle with Allen as he will with me, but Jamie gives only Allen attitude. It's a little bit funny and a little bit silly.

I'm graduating in almost three weeks. Guess what? I'm frightened. Mostly I'm frightened about money, big surprise there. I'm also frightened about finishing my script by then. Yeah, I have about 45 more pages to go on it. Slightly frightening. I will be getting ten pages done tonight, though. Yeah, it's slightly sad that I'm more worried about finishing this script than I am sending out graduation announcements.

My mother seems to have this wonderful talent of making me insecure. When I was having a low self esteem day, her first comment to me was how my hair is awful. I take her to the Ren faire, she says I'm giving the wrong impression to people by having cleavage. (I mean, it's the Ren faire! Cleavage is everywhere! More than just cleavage, BOOBS are everywhere! And my cleavage is relatively minor, comparatively speaking. Actually, it's very minor. And yet I'm the one giving the wrong impression? And why is she to nag me about it? I'm 22. It's okay for me to show some cleavage, especially while wearing a costume specifically designed to show cleavage.) I'm seriously debating telling her off. Cause her nagging and controlling ways are getting frustrating. She is also of the opinion that I shouldn't post any pictures of myself from the Ren faire, cause it is sending people on facebook the message that I'm looking for men. I don't think she understands it.

She also "expressed concern" that my relationship with Allen will fail now that we're moved in together. Nice, mother. Nice.

I have finally bought the movie "Office Space". I have worked in an office for two years straight now, and I have not yet seen that movie. I understand that this is something of a blasphemy. it will be remedied if I write ten pages today, five pages tomorrow, and ten pages on Wedneday.

It is unlikely that I'll write five pages tomorrow. Tomorrow I have: Work 9-2, class 2-5, wine tasting 5:30-6:30, honors Convocation 6:30-9, and Allen's parents will be out for the convocation. So yeah. I might see if I can take work off and just write in the morning, then make up work on Friday. But I'd have to be careful, cause my parents are coming on friday, and then we're going camping.

By the way, I have no voice at this moment. Well, I have a voice, but it's all crackly and dry sounding. I was told I sound like Bea Arthur by two people today.

Just talked to my boss, I'll be working only two hours on tuesday, then come in for two or three hours on Friday. So thank god, I'll have about three hours to write on tuesday. Uninterrupted.

That leads into the weekend. I'll be camping. Which means I'll have to write by hand. Should be interesting. I'll have to crank out a ton of pages, too. So that just means lots and lots of handwriting.

Also, camping this weekend is gonna be interesting. Allen will be there. Allen has a slightly quicker temper than I do. And Allen gets angrier at my mother more than I do. This shall be interesting. Allen and I will have to go on several long hikes, just to rant. Which'll be nice, get us away from the family for a bit.

Working upstairs from a starbucks has made me a bit of a coffee snob.

I just found the BEST descriptor line EVER! ""Ms. Palmos, an adorable piranha of an agent, said she was driven to take even the most unfortunately placed properties partly out of financial desperation." I mean, holy crap! Adorable piranha of an agent! In an article about Real Estate! That's fantastic! (Full article here: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/18/nyregion/18appraisal.html?src=twt&twt=nytimes )

That amazing description just kinda made my day. That and Allen just brought me a sandwitch. And told me all about how hyper the kitten is. Aww, now I want to just go home and play.

Side note: I always get nervous when my bosses conviene in the front of the office and whisper.

Hour left of work. I am very happy about this. Now only an hour before my marathon writing day (and playing with the kitten).

Have I been talking about my kitten too much? Cause he's absolutely amazing. (kitten).

Tough times

Times are hard right now. I don't really want to elaborate.

So, instead of elaborating, I'm going to list all the things that help me not focus on it. Like the good things in life. The things that make me happy.

***
KITTENS! This weekend I might be getting a kitten. Or two. But the very idea of kittens makes me so incredibly happy. It's like a natural mood lifter. I get depressed, and I start looking at the cost of things and the kittens available...and I get so incredibly happy. It's silly and child-like, but with everything going on, it's so incredibly soothing to have a cat to pet. Or to see cats walk around and play. It's soothing for me.

In whittier, whenever I was upset, my cat (Chewie) always knew, and would always start cuddling with me as soon as she could. It helps.

****
Video games. Particularly mindless ones.

***
Chips and guacamole at work. Speaking of work, kookie and strange stories from my coworkers. As I am typing this, Andy is telling a story about how he moved to California and started playing Starcraft. He used the phrase "so I started training" and "then I triumphed."

***
One of my coworkers just said this "The animation was so raw, that's why it was great. Great and impactful." We were talking about Invader Zim.

***
We just walked to 7-11, and "it's been a hards day night" came on. I started singing, and coworker said "Hey, isn't this like the song from Rock Band"

***
Now we're arguing about Komodo dragons. Apparently they're very poisonous. Who knew?

Real time log of work

1:09 pm: Art coworker just asked what something meant on a wedding invitation.

1:16 pm: Bob just walked by, saw my cost of attendance for usc, and said "well, I thought you wanted to attend the school, not buy the property.

1:19 pm: There is a gaggle of really loud, kinda ghetto girls on the balcony outside my office. I kinda think that they are drunk. Or maybe just really really loud. It's echoing, like, seriously echoing through the cubicles. I feel like that should be a lot more poetic than it actually is. I also just came to the conclusion that I will have to work 3.5 hours today, then 5 hours tomorrow to make up for lost time. Note: Thursday and Fridays are my day off. This rocks.

1:41 pm: I have made the mistake of looking up kittens on craigslist. 0_o

1:47 pm: Okay, I need to stop looking up kittens. I don't need them right now. At all. Well, not until we move into the apartment. We're getting the keys today or tomorrow, but we can't move in for a little while, at least two weeks or so, so yeah. So I just have two weeks to wait to get a kitten. I can do that, right? (answer: probably not)

2:08 pm: My caterpillar is either dead or cocooning. Not sure which.

2:21 pm: Back looking at kittens. today is not a productive day at work.

2:42: The caterpillar is freaking out, like, majorly freaking out. And now covered in goo. It's either exploding or cocooning. Not sure which. Bree says it's pupating?

3:44 pm: I've actually had about an hours worth of work to do today. Yay.

4:01 pm: Ride's coming.

There be lots of things going on.

1. I'm graduating college this summer. Yes, I will be graduating from the University of California, Riverside with my Bachelors of Arts in Creative Writing with a dual emphasis in fiction and screenwriting. It took me 4 years, but I'm getting it done. I've learned so incredibly much in four years, most of it outside of the classroom. It's been rough at times, but I've learned so much. As I prepare to leave UCR, I've been evaluating who I want to keep in contact with as I start my career, and there's a surprisingly large number of people. And not necissarily the people who I thought would be on that list.
   
2. I'm going to grad school. USC. University of Southern California. Probably the best (or second best) school for Writing for Screen and TV. I am as intimidated as heck and as nervous as heck. 1000 people apply, they let in 32. wow. Holy crap. I was in the top 3.2% of applicants. That scares the shit out of me. What is my competition in the classes going to be? Also, I really don't like the price card. Who knows how much debt I'll be in at the end of this.
3. In a weird mixture of the two items above, I will be living in Riverside while going to grad school at USC. There are several VERY key reasons for this: a) With the cost of housing, I will be saving at minimum 500-700 dollars a month by living out here and taking the train. b) it is a high priority to me that I stay near Allen. Which leads me to the next bit of news, which will probably disappoint some people: I am moving in with Allen. BUT it's not just what you're thinking. We will be getting a 2 bedroom apartment, and have seperate rooms. And probably have two seperate locks on the doors, but that might be overkill.
4. In response to that, my parents are not happy. That probably goes without saying. They think that I will be living in sin and that no one would respect me or them anymore. I have my problems with this statement and assumption.
   
5. I'm planning two vacations. I'm doing one in July with Allen's family. A cruise to Alaska. Then, there's a small glimmer of a possibility of a roadtrip. To Maryland. Yes, a cross country roadtrip. With stops in Vegas, Colorado, Tulsa, and Chicago. And possibly Vidalia and Philidelphia as well. Holy crap. That would be so amazingly epic.
   
6. Friends are going through problems. I'm not going to fully divulge this, just that it is taking up a lot of emotional energy, and I am left with exhaustion at the end of each and every day. And it's not just one friend, it's many friends. Sometimes I find myself just having to cry to just deal with things. I don't like crying, and I feel silly, but sometimes things are just too much.
7. I signed up for a graduate level screenwriting course this quarter. And while it is awesome, it means I will be writing an average of 15 pages a week, in order to finish around 120 page screenplay by the end. And that, my friends, is a lot of work.

THIS MADE MY DAY

Well, it made my night. Well, it made it easier to sleep. After, you know, 2 am.

Allen: poke

me: poke

Allen: How be you?

1:28 AM me: insomniatic

and sleeeepy

Allen: I hugz you

I had my Arrogant Bastard, so I'm sleepy from alcohol

not drunk, but sleepy

me: heh

1:29 AM I went to bed at 11, got up again at 1

Allen: :p

me: 1:31 AM

oh! While at dinner with Patty, there was an episode of family guy playing, and it was from the first season, so all the voices were off

Allen: lol

me: it made me want to twitch

1:32 AM Allen: the digital work really makes the show

me: yeah, so do the voices. Meg was awful that season

1:34 AM Allen: thinking of you...

me: :)

miss ya

1:35 AM I'm getting really sleepy again

I'm gonna try to sleep

1:37 AM I love you

Allen: I love you too

1:38 AM me: talk to you tomorrow, and see you in two days!

Spring break

I am not good left alone. I feel so much better when I'm around people.

And not just, you know, at my computer at work. I have coworkers around, but not really. Everyone's doing work, no one's talking.

Tonight, I'm basically gonna be sitting home alone. Not looking forward to it.

****

Grad decisions are tough.

Bored at Auditions

So, it's empty here. So here are my thoughts.

***

Cramps suck

***

Stage fright sucks.

***

Pizza is delicious.

****

Just dealt with a bitchy auditioner. She asked me if I was just singing a harmony instead of the real, actual song. Wow.

****

Sometimes I really dislike myself

So, I have a nasty habit of worst case scenarioing.

Something goes wrong. And while it's probably nothing, almost certainly nothing, I find myself in a near panic trying to figure it out. I find myself looking stuff up online, trying to figure it out, and I only give myself a worse headache and feeling all weepy and crying about it.

And then I start planning for all contingencies. What if the worst case scenario is true?

I hate this part about me.

****

It doesn't help that I'm major PMSing. MAJORLY.

****

Allen didn't get into USC. If that wasn't enough bad news, some people have been begrudging me because I did. Even going so far as to say I took his spot, and he should be mad at me for it. Gee thanks, people.

*****

So next week and other things

So next week, my social circle will be busy.

I use that phrase lightly. My social circle will mostly be okay, just the people that I'm assured to hang out with EVERY SINGLE DAY are gonna be busy. I have a ton of people in my social circle besides them, but they are the ones I see every day and do relaxing stuff with. The people that after I do my plans for the day, I go home and hang out with them.

So I'm just gonna have to do alternate planning. I'm actually looking forward to it a bit. A change from the routine, sorta.

At least two of the days I'm going out writing. Probably to coffee depot or to Ten Rens. Do some writing on my FUN STUFF. Maybe re-proof the step outline for the fantasy story. Maybe I'll get the first act of my second episode done. That sounds like a ton of fun :) .

I want to go to the karaoke bar one of the days.

I'm gonna cook an amazingly complicated meal for myself one of the days.

****

I just got a text "haha....long story...yeah..." from a blocked, anonymous number. They're blocked, so I can't text back.

****

I am in the process of making a big decision. I'm probably making it bigger than it should be. The biggest problem about it, though, is some people are remarkably closed minded about it, or too embarrassed to talk about it. Mostly too closed minded. I shouldn't really accuse people of being too embarrassed about it, cause I pretty much fall into that category. Notice how I didn't say what this decision is.

****

I got a daily booth cause of some friends, but it's actually turning out to be a ton of fun. Though the internet is a scary scary place.

The premise of dailybooth is this: You post a picture every day, generally of yourself. Simple as that. But I've recently found a whole bunch of artistic photographs and photographers, and it is awesome.

However, today I am wearing a corset. And I posted a picture of myself. And all of the sudden I have a few more followers and a bunch of people saying "I like the ren faire now." >_<

****

Here's a BIG SHOUT OUT to BETH!!!!! She's AWESOME!!!!

weird

• My mother is telling me how she's seeing the trip back to see my uncle as a trip back to say goodbye. And...there goes my good mood that was left over from the weekend. Turns out that my other uncle is trying to trounce on her positivity, while she's just trying to make it through the trip. He's trying to get her to be ultra realistic...which is pretty darn negative
  
• Apparently my coworker Cameron know Alex douchebag. Talk about weird connections. And coincidences.
  
• I had a good weekend. Like, a GOOD WEEKEND with all capital letters. I got my first credit card, I got my taxes done, I got a good homemade dinner, I got to watch a disk of HIMYM, I got to go to a comedy show, I got to hang out with Evan and Sam, I got to make a drink for my mom and I, I got to show my parents Mass Effect and Dragon Age, I made a delicious dinner for Allen last night (Steak a l'orange and Caesar Salad), I got to play L4d2 with Patty, I submitted my TV pilot to the Page Awards, I had a weird but tasty sandwich at bible study, bible study was great, the gym was good and I felt awesome, rehearsal was a good self esteem type booster, I got to see Sarah for like five minutes, and I got to show my parents my new knife.
• I have rehearsal tonight, and I hope I still have all my lines memorized! I hope my fellow actors do as well.
• I had a dream last night that I was trying to get to sleep and having troubles. It was not a restful dream. It was the antithesis of a restful dream. I woke up with a headache and all bleary eyed and not fun. Which is why I got a starbucks energy drink. So I'm twitchy and a little bit grumpy.
• When talking about picture expansion: Andy: "Woah! It's so little and squished, then it gets so big!" Me: "That's what she said."
• I forgot my lunch at home. *pout*
• I'm once again at work and I don't have anything to do. I'm trying to find work to keep me busy.
• So I walk over to withdraw money from the bank, and the atms were missing. Literally missing. Oh gee.
• I don't think anyone reads this anymore. At the very least, no one tells me they read it. But it's still cathargic to write. I'm funny that way.
  
• Rewriting websites. Kind of fun. Makes me think I'd be good at being a staff writer on a tv show.
• it's almost time for me to leave.
  

Senioritis, much?

• I can't wait to get out of school. Well, not exactly. I can't wait to get out of this school.
• Next quarter should be better. I hope. I'm in a graduate class, after all. And I enjoy the people in my advanced classes so much more than my other ones.
• I have a comedy song about suicide bombers stuck in my head. I'm at work. This seems like a very poor idea.
  
• I have come to the conclusion that reading SparkNotes is okay if you've actually read the book and didn't quite understand it.
  
• I am rather proud of my midterm. I am considering posting it on here, which could be fun. But long after it's graded. I'm paranoid like that.
• We just walked downstairs for starbucks. Yup. We do that.
• Quote of the day: Cameron - "The director I think looks like his work is M. Night Shamalan." Andy - "You mean he looks like crap?"
• Yay! Allen's finger isn't dead. Though he did need to get a tetanus shot.
• I just posted a facebook status about how my coworker made a joke about how being a bible nerd is a lot like being a DnD nerd, the scale is all about how much you know. And the joke is funny. But then my boss responded by saying: "they are both remarkable works of fiction refined by a number of authors over a period of years." Which is clever, yes, but a wee bit frustrating.
• Overall, I'm a bit disappointed with the stories this week. Nothing horrible, just nothing amazing.
  

late night in riverside.

I had to deal with two separate groups of idiots, jerks, and misogynistic bullies on the walk home.

I was walking back from my late night class, talking on the phone to Allen, and some guy tried to shove me by my purse. I think they bruised me. I pushed away and got away. I'm just glad I hold my purse closed and all that.

and then, still talking on the phone to Allen, kinda scared, I crossed the street and this group of guys was just standing near my complex. One of the guys said "hey you. You're fucking hot. I would fucking do you."

Still shaking from the earlier thing, I told them to fuck off. Then they yelled after me "don't be such a bitch! I was just trying to compliment you. did you drop your diet pills somewhere?"

I turned around and told them that in no uncertain terms do they say a thing like that to a girl walking alone at night that they didn't know. That group ended up apologizing, and I walked away.

I can't stop smiling from this!

11:53amBrittany
I wanted to say thanks lyn; you were an awesome peer mentor. And you kinda inspired me to apply and hopefully be one for the next year :):) So thank you!! Thank you for being so awesome!

11:54amLyn
awww! thank you!!!!

11:54amBrittany
I just wanted to say this before I get super busy and won't see you next quarter...but I have to get back to studying! Hope your day is nice and productive :):)

11:54amLyn
see ya later!!

Quotes from the peanut gallery of work.

Andy: "naming documents is the hardest part."
Cameron: "Giving up is the hardest part."
Andy: "maybe. But naming things is hard, too."

***

Andy: "hey! Do you want to be that one dude that has six toasters?"
Cameron "Why yes. I eat a lot of toast."

****

Andy: "I don't complain about things."
me: "You guys were complaining about ONE ROW of pixels being shaved off!"
Andy: "hey! That's important! People would've complained!"
Cameron: "I would've complained!"
Andy: "I'm still complaining!

****

Cameron: "You said Bob is here, right?"
Me: "Yeah..."
Cameron: "Oh right. I saw him."

*****

a boss: "Oh dear. At least it's almost the weekend.
Andy: "Agreed."
me: "It's only Wednesday."
a boss: "Just be quiet and let me be happy."

****

Cameron: "Yay, we have a logo!
me: "it looks like he's doing a weird form of Tai Chi."
Cameron: "Well, he should be on every page."
me: "are you sure? Double check."
Cameron: "My confidence is enough....hey look! He'seven on the 404!"
me: "Did you mean to 404 it?"
Cameron: "Nope!"

****

Cameron: "Ohhhh....Tricky."
me: "What, did the pixel get shaved off again?"
Cameron: "No....but...*sigh* there's this line. That's part of a background image
and the line is covering the words."
me: "Make it part on the front image and take it out."
Cameron: "But it's part of the div!"

***
Cameron: "Yay!" (claps his hands)
me: "What?"
Cameron: "It worked! You know, web programming is really cool. You should do it.
Forget whatever else you're doing, Lyn, and go into programming. I mean,
I know you already invested time in writing and whatever, but come on,
there's really more to life than that."

Update

Uncle Dwayne's cancer may have spread to his spine. I am terrified.

Wise advice from Grandma

Me: Hello Grandma!
how are you doing
?

Grandma:Hi Lyn, I'm fine!
Its good to hear from you. How are you doing?

Me: VERY busy

Grandma: Oh - what's keeping you so busy?

Me; school, work, stuff like that
I have tons of homework and tons of extra curriculars

Grandma: I know that can get pretty tough at times. I was reading an article in the newspaper the other day and it says to put away your laptop and go to bed. You need lots of sleep/rest to handle all that. What are the extra curriculars?
It was written by a student who found himself in the same situation.

Me:I work with a literary journal and a theater company

Grandma: Wow - three jobs in all - school, journal and theater company. Don't burn out. We want to keep you around and healthy. We love you.

Me:haha, well, not all of them take up tons of time all the time
they more of take up time in bursts

Grandma: I know how that goes. Why cn't the be predictable?

Me: I know!
Each of them separately aren't too bad, but all combined they're a lot of time

Grandma: Well, it's great talking to you. One of these days I'll start on the quilt you gave me for Christmas. Gotta get through organizing my taxes though and Virginias. I guess you are getting lots of experience doing all that. Just know when you need to say ,"No!"
I have to send out our prayer requests to those on the email list. I hate to quit talking because we do this so seldom.
Write about your experience with these organizations sometime and send it to me.

Me: I'll have to do that sometime

Grandma: Talk to you later. bye

New things

Well, my uncle's cancer is back. In five places in his brain and some lumps on the skin of his head. The prognosis is not good.

Story ideas for this quarter

1. A woman works at the DMV taking the pictures for the drivers. She falls in love with those she photographs. She sees someone who is the epitome of everything she wants to be, searches for her and tries to adopt every aspect of their actions and livestyles. She ultimately faces rejection and the impossibility of it. Should the person she follows be Schizophrenic? Driver? Younger? Rebellious?

2. Romanian young woman, faces the pressure to be safe, be totally safe. Works at a store that caters towards rich tourists. Does she let herself deliberately be unsafe?

3. Office Noir Comedy. Intricacies of Office Drama, over done. Bringing validity into the boring. Office Intrigue? How are people coping with grief? The five stages of grief.

I am vastly amused.

So, you know how I'm always bagging on people for not being accurate with guns in workshops?

One of my workshop buddies is now asking me for help. It is vastly fun.

****

I have tons of ideas on what to do for my advanced fiction story. But they all seem WAY too literary, or WAY too personal, or, you know, way too not literary. My screenwriting teaching has taught me to be commercial. Which is good, but yeah. It's a bit looked down upon in the fiction world.

****

I really want to write something about Romania.

****

Of course, the one time I venture outside without my jacket and umbrella, it starts to rain.

****
I just wrote the line into a critique:

besides the pretty words, there’s not much to distinguish this story from any Soap Opera. Actually, the story and characters are generic to the extreme, and ultimately forgettable.

And that is the last line of the critique.

*****

I had a weird freaking dream last night.

Well, it was really this morning, cause I didn't go to bed until 2 and had troubles falling asleep because of insecurities....so yeah.

In this dream, my roommate, had a bunch of douchbag friends. And they kept on coming up to my loft, every moment of every day, no matter what I did.

So onetime, to get away from them, I went to an outdoors pet market. Where I almost won a pink kitten.

But then, I had to eventually go back to my apartment, and my loft. And found my roommate's friends strip searching my room, trying to find anything sketchy.

New Years Resolutions

A bit late, but...whatever.

1. Have a better self esteem. Let me clarify. I have a decent self esteem when it comes to myself physically. I just have trouble seeing myself as a person other people want to be friends with. Which is stupid. I have amazing friends who would not be friends with someone who did not deserve it. I need to stand up for myself when friends kind of cast me aside. I should NOT be a punching bag for things I didn't do or things I didn't mean to do.
2. Figure out something with my religion.
3. Sing more.
4. Be bolder. Smile more. Dress how I want to, not how I think people would like. That means breaking out that fluffy pink skirt I got for a halloween costume. That means wearing the little white dress without stockings. That means trying to curl my short hair.
5. Get over my background a bit. Don't think I have to do everything within the preset Whittier Christian rules. Cause some of those rules are stupid. Basically, stop feeling guilty for stupid stupid things.
6. Speaking of which, Forgive myself when I make mistakes. I was up last night obsessing about something mean I said LAST YEAR. I need to stop that.
7. Listen to cool music. Yeah.
8. Go to more concerts. Yeah. That.