My dreams last night

Ready for the dream world?

*****

So, Allen and Evan and I were camping in Big Bear, and Allen's car got stolen and driven up a ridge. So we went looking for it up there, and found a super environmental testing/physics base up there. We had to sneak around until we got chased by the guards throughout the base. We sprinted past them, and we found our way into a giant physics testing lab. Then the security guard let us go because the damage had been done.

So we poked our head around there to look to see if any of them had any insight to where the car would be, until we found one guy who was doing experiments with dropping bears off of the same ridge that they drove up Allen's car on. So we asked him, and he told us to ask the girl doing experiments with the Pink Avenger.

We meander over there and it turns out she's doing experiments on teleporting through a pink tunnel. So I run outside, and there's the main guard standing next to Allen's car. I kick him in the nuts and take the car, then call out for Allen.

****

And that was when Allen called to wake me up, cause it was already 11.

Thoughts on C.S. Lewis's "The Great Divorce."

...Bear with me here, this might be a little bit obscure or something.

In "The Great Divorce" (TGD for short) the whole thing is a story in Purgatory. Sort of. It's a dream world type thing, where the main character is in Hell but gets a chance to go visit heaven and change his mind about the world, God, and being saved.

The best quotes are "ye cannot fully understand the relations of choice and time until you're beyond both."

"were these arguments only mimicry of Choices that had really been made long ago?"

"without the choice there could be no hell."

However, it was interesting that all these choices happened after Death. I believe that is allegorical. For example:

Hebrews 9:27 : As it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this, the judgment.

And then...the really confusing one...

Revelations 20:12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books.

What? This says it is by works that men are saved!

Then:

Job 8:3 Doth God pervert judgment? or does the Almighty pervert justice?

I'm confused now.

Things in my mind are clearer, but we're not in the clear quite yet.

Anyone who knows me knows I am a religious person. I do not generally keep that a secret in any way.

I went to Christian school until high school. This is not why I am a Christian, it just gave me a basis of knowledge for the bible. My friends called me a Bible geek. And to be called a bible geek in a Christian school is a bit of something.

My first year of college strengthened my faith. Contradictory, I know, but it happened. Probably talking to all the different people who actually had different ideas made me think about my own more. And it helped.

Yet now, I find myself embroiled in a huge conflict of faith. Calvinism, Predestination, Sovereignty, the goodness of God, all these huge ideas in my head, and I can't get any of them out. Not with talking, not with writing, nothing.

I tried talking with someone, and they basically went "aww, that's cute. You're concerned about your little 'religion'." Yes. Yes. I am concerned about my religion. I am concerned about something that big and that steady in my life being shaken. I don't appreciate being patronized just because you consider yourself to be enlightened past the constraints of religion. It might not be a big thing for you, but it is to me. And trivializing it doesn't make it better.

Christian friends aren't much better. They just looked shocked that I would even consider saying some things, then shake their heads at me, saying I'll understand God's will some day.

But can this God be so cruel as to not save someone and still be the "all-good" God I've worshiped and known all these years?

Today

Today is the first day since Todd died that I have dared to wear eye make-up.

Plan of action

I'm tired of being like this.

So here are a bunch of goals to implement to help myself.

1. Listen to more music. Even when I'm alone. Especially when I'm alone. And while at work. Even if work is being negative, that's no reason for me to be pulled down with it.
   
2. Work out. No more excuses. Work out. I feel the best when I'm in shape, and no reason to compound this thing with body issues.
3. Eat what I want. Still be healthy, of course, but let myself have dessert. No silly restrictions. And don't feel guilty about it.
   
4. Over the break, write about five pages a day. My goal is to write another episode, all 60 pages of it.
   
5. Don't get more than 11 hours of sleep a night. Cause then I get a headache.
6. Talk to a Priest. Or a Pastor. Or someone who has a leadership position in a church.
7. Talk to people when I'm feeling down. Don't make myself feel that I need to be cheerful all the time with my friends.
   
8. Alternatively, don't feel like I have to be down all the time. Let myself be cheered up.
   

My life is off track

And I feel like I'm drowning.

I snap at people easier. I get angry at the smallest thing. I cry almost every day. I don't want to, I don't want to.

. No one wants the friend who just cries.

Some people have said I can rely on them, I still feel guilty. Because I'm not already over it.

People just say I should get over myself and feel better already. As if it was a switch to turn off.

Lately

When it rains, it pours.

On Monday, I last used my keys to open up the trunk of my car to get some water out. I then climbed into Allen's car and went to the Golden Mean show. The next time I tried to pull my keys out, at 10:45, they were gone. On my key chain were my car keys, my apartment keys, and my house keys.

We went and searched 411 again, we searched Allen's car, we waited outside in the cold for AAA to come unlock my car trunk. They weren't anywhere.

So I put in a word at the RSO and borrowed one of their keys and got back into my apartment, thinking that my keys would turn up.

On Tuesday, I came back to my apartment to find my door wide open.

Nothing was taken. I had my camera and flute upstairs, and they weren't touched. I had my dvds downstairs, they weren't taken. My jewelry was out in the open, nothing was missing. My roommate showed up after we did, and that was the first time she had been back to the apartment since Friday.

In short, someone opened my apartment and took nothing and let the door wide open.

We got the place re-keyed immediately, and I moved my camera and flute to a safe location.

But it scares me that someone has my keys and isn't friend enough to turn them in. It also scares me that they know where I live. My apartment number is not on the keys. Not too many people know where I live, and it's mostly only my close close friends.

So I ask for your help. If you know who has my keys, please please ask them to return them. I can't afford to rekey my car locks. You can turn them in anonymously at the Bannockburn RSO, and there would be no questions asked.

****

About five minutes after we rekeyed my apartment, I found out that my Coworker and Friend Todd Ransom died. Please pray for his Mother and his Sister, and for my work as we grieve him.

It has been so hard for me to keep my head above everything. I have had three or so crying breakdowns. Not only has my apartment been intruded on, my friend died.

Allen described it as if I had been rifle-butted in the face. That's fairly accurate. A gut punch might be more accurate.

Quotes from Stu again

"He's not going to just roll over and play undead."

This time, on "I thought they were dead but they're not..."

"Is thrumming a real word or a Lyn word?"

BEST. SPAM. EVER.

I love this. So much.

*****


From:Kate Philip.
Country:Ivory coast,Abidjan.


Dearest One,
Please permit me to intruce myself to you, My Name is Kate Philip,it is a Good thing to write you. I have a proposal for you-this however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you to honor against your will.I am Kate Philip 22 years old girl and the only daughter of my late parents chief Usman Philip (the cocoa merchant managing Director), My father was a highly reputable well known as the cocoa merchant managing Director during his days.It is sad to say that he passed away,may his soul rest in perfect peace(Amen)

Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an his brother who killed him just because his wealth But God knows the truth.

My mother died when I was just baby, and since then my father took me so special. Before his death,he secretly told me about this money he deposited in the bank here and used my Name as the next of kin who will inherited his money when he daughter as the only daughter,My late father love me so much and very pround of me,i miss my father so much.

He further told him that he deposited the money in my name, and finally issued a written instruction to his lawyer whom he said is in possession of all the necessary and legal documents to this fund. I am just 22 years old student and really don't know what to do. Now I want your Assistance where I can transfer this money,and the amount that witten in the file documents is (8.500us dollars) because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of my Uncle who try to kill me and claim the money from me as he requested the docuemnts of this money from me and i refused that is why i decided to transfer this money so that this money will be save and i will contine my education and invest this money with your help,.

I have maped out 20 % of the total money for your compasation for just helping me out. i want you to know that is transaction is legal and 100% risk free,i have the legal Document that relating to this money, i realy need your fruit respond so that we can proceed,and you can ask me any question you will like to known about this transaction and i will give you all need to known about this transaction and include the documents that i will send to you when we accepted to help me and you will keep it for yourself safety till you recieve this money in your bank account,your telephone number will be needed so that i will commuicate with you on phone,
Now permit me to ask these few questions:-

1. Can you honestly help me as your daughter?
2. Can I completely trust you?
3. I have map out 20% for your assistance ,Please consider this and get back to me as soon as possible. Thank you so much.

With Sincerely
Kate Philip

Quotes from Stu for the day

"Wow, they'd have a bitching home shopping network!"

"Have them just ask for a pint."

"You put a voice over? You must've been hearing Morgan Freeman at that moment!"

"With the two conversations, Men are from - wait, which one is from venus? Women are from venus!"

"Serve -Volley, Serve - Volley, Serve - Volley, Volley - Serve??"

"You know, you actually need the words that make complete sentences."

"How did a ninety year old woman get across the red sea? Verrrry slowly."

"Fat kids were never popular. I'm just saying."

"he was trying to be a provocative little shit, too."

"You may know how to command an army, but an unwieldy child can break one. Been there."

"Well, you had the TV series where a guy went to school the day his parents died!"

chronology of an all nighter ....

5:22 - Starting off at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on campus. Am incredibly happy that they have an oatmeal bar. Am even happier that they have agave syrup. Am even happier than that that they have a black cherry/chocolate/espresso drink. Anyways, I'm attempting to write. Cause I have to. Even though I am so emotionally checked out on this story and such. Basically, I'm ready to be done with fiction. I'm just having so much more fun in screenwriting and television.

5:24 - I feel slightly conspicuous writing a sex comedy on campus. Even though it's about a virgin.

5:30 - I keep on looking over my shoulder to make sure that no one is behind me...

5:33 - Ah, continuity, how I hate you.

5:38 - Coffee Bean and tea leaf has no restroom. I have found a flaw.

5:42 - I have come to a landmark in my writing. I have written the creepiest character. His name is "Romantic Robert."

5:46 - gawd, my protagonist sure is stupid.

5:51 - Not quite sure how this story is going to turn out decent. I can only hope and pray that i go second in the day. I am TERRIFIED that people will think this protagonist is me. Cause really, the only thing that connects us is that we are both virgins.

5:56 - This chocolate cherry espresso drink is freakishly delicious. FREAKISHLY!!!!!

8:30 - got quite a shock. I got a text from a friend asking to be taken to the ER. Okay.....

9:55 - writing in a starbucks down the street from the er. Lovely.

10:01 - Just got leered at at the starbucks. If only they knew.

10:10 - "I say a little prayer for you" just came on at starbucks.

10:21 - Rinata was diagnosed with acute bronchitis. Oh dear.

10:37 - Starbucks closed. I'm now writing in my car, in the parking lot of the Kaiser ER. Oh, my life is weird. And it's conspiring against me to not finish this story, I swear.

12:22 - I am now writing in Allen's apartment. I feel creepy. Partially it's the story matter.

1:01 - I'm about 2/3rds of the way done.

1:32 - We go and walk among the leonids. Pretty. Even better because it was with Allen. I'm a sap sometimes.

2:03 - I'm gonna go take a short nap. To refresh the mind.

6:43 - I just woke up from my "short nap." I think I'm gonna take a shower and eat and get back to work. Thank god I already told my work I'm not coming in today.

7:47 - Getting back to work. I feel awake. Really, I do. The only reason I'm trucking through today is so I can play Left4dead2 this evening.

7:54 - I have decided that the biggest structural fault with my apartment is the fact that there is a slanted window, which means it cannot be covered by the curtains.

9:04 - still plugging away. Facebook is the evils of all evils.

9:12 - Finished the story? Now I'm just waiting for proofreaders, please.

Chronology of a writing session

8:26 - Coffee Depot has the best whipped cream, seriously.

8:32 - the guys behind me are on an epic quest to find the opening music to transformers. Wow. They look exactly like you'd expect.

8:59 - The guys behind me started making "whisssshhhh-ing" sounds to describe transformers stuff. They are also talking about how the second was so much better than the first.

9:04 - I got a page! I just need like ... seven or eight more. By tuesday. Yeah, I'm kinda screwed.

9:05 - transformer guys got self conscious.

9:07 - A midget just went into the restroom. I kid you not.

9:15 - there's a girl in here wearing a heavy double breasted jacket, ugg boots....and no pants.

9:19 - the transformer guys started talking again. One said "No, it's supposed to be a girl. Why isn't it a girl? It's supposed to be a girl."

9:27 - Transformer guys left.

9:29 - Got an email from my professor saying he submitted the letter of recommendation. Sweet.

9:31 - Commence post - hot chocolate sneezing fit.

9:34 - It's hard to write while having a sneezing fit. I swear.

9:37 - I think the sneezing fit ended. I'll have to leave the coffee shop soon, though.

Why I'm failing at NoBloPoMo

Seriously, why do they pick November for this thing? That's just stupid.

1. My uncle had brain surgery. I think that has a big enough impact. While it went incredibly well and he is pretty much all better now, this was a HUGE stresser on my life.
2. My coworker is dying. It's pretty much an any-day sort of thing. And it's depressing. I'm going to miss him.
3. As a sorta side effect to the coworker, my work has been hell. Everyone is stressed and upset. On the risk of sounding really inconsiderate, this makes work really uncomfortable.
4. I'm writing my senior thesis.
5. I'm sorta writing a novel. Sorta.
6. I've had tons of homework.
7. I'm a peer mentor.

By the time I finish with my day to day stuff, all I want to do is go hang out with Allen or something. I don't always want to blog.

my life is a yo yo

And my emotions are a ping pong ball.

****

"At least half of all writing involves just sitting and staring into space. Letting your brain out to hunt down ideas, bringing them back all warm and bloody between its teeth."

****

people at my office keep on flinching when the phone rings. I do too.

*****

I am going to go write today. I'll write a lot. At least to the middle of act two. I'm excited. I haven't had time to just write without a deadline for so long, so long. This will be great. I have been actively looking forwards to it.

I like doing well in TV writing. I like being able to give good remarks. I like only getting the "Good, now just continue."

I loved the dinosaur suggestion, and how that's going to come back in act two. And maybe act three.

I like how I planned out the original power structure scene for Lora and Saul. This makes me so incredibly happy.

*****

I hate how I feel like I'm stalling at work. I wish I could do the work at home, where it's not stressful, and the world is peaceful.

****

I'm closing a bank account today. Why am I nervous?

Post number two

Well, today was a good day on the Uncle Dwayne side. A very good day.

Not so much with work.

oops

I forgot yesterday. So today will have two posts, I swear. Maybe three.

Uncle Dwayne's in surgery right now. They've taken out a part of his skull, and are cutting into the tissues around his brain. Guess what, I'm kinda freaked out by it.

_____

EDIT!

The doctor said the surgery went well and the doctor thinks he got all the tumor out and Dwayne will be fine.

____

SECOND EDIT!

Not only did the surgery go well, he is awake enough to talk to my aunt.

____

THIRD EDIT!

He is up, eating full meals, not on any pain medication, and sounding really cheerful! He called my grandma.

Another awesome quote from my tv teacher

"save it for the novel, it doesn't fit in the teleplay."

Late, but still counting.

So last night I had a horrid nightmare. I chalk it up to the old seasonal affective disorder that gives me those nightmares.

Anyways, in the dream, the economy had gotten to such bad of state that the only way the government was able to solve it was to start selling off it's citizens into slavery. But because they couldn't divide it by race (that'd be racist) they entered everyone's social security numbers into a lottery. Guess who's number was called!

So last week mostly sucked.

Here's for this one getting better.

This week:

• I don't have to worry about mentee meetings. All of those are taken care of.
• I don't have to worry about Audeamus interviews.
• I actually have free time.
• I will have physical time to write on my senior thesis. I plan to get far on that. Okay goal: to the second act break.
• Allen and I will go back to SD to probably get him a car.

So many things have been happening!

Wednesday: We get a picture of my Uncle's MRI. The tumor looks like a marble. We find out that he might get to have gamma knife surgery, which would mean that he wouldn't have to have his skull cracked open for surgery. That's good.

I found out that on thursday, friday, and the next week I would be having to do Audeamus meetings. Cause I couldn't have been told earlier. Nope. I was left off the email list. Intentionally or unintentionally, it's really freaking annoying. And I did not have the patience to deal with that idea.

I had to be the head teacher for my HNPG 9 class. I prefaced it that I would have to answer any phone call, cause of my uncle.

Thursday: We find out that Uncle Dwayne should have surgery immediately. But he's not getting it for a few weeks. That sucks.

I played Rock Band with Allen, Evan, and Sam. Sam is cool, I'd like to hang out with her more, I believe.

Friday: Allen left for Vegas. We find out that my uncle has to have regular brain surgery, so his skull will be cracked open. Got first drunk text from Allen.

Saturday: Spent all day writing, then went to Matt's Window's 7 party. Oh dear nerdiness. With a side dish of awkwardness. Turns out that one of my best friend's ex girlfriend is dating one of Matt's roommates. Got about....five drunk texts from Allen.

Sunday: Not feeling well. Allen came back, yay. I had a three hour meeting for a project for theater that was due the next day, we thought we'd all have to pull an all nighter...and then class was CANCELLED!

Friday:

Bad news.

Sometimes I get too much bad news too fast.

Today I got an email. Uncle Dwayne's cancer is back in his brain. Well, he has a 2.9 centimeter tumor on his right frontal lobe.

And then my coworker. The one with the cancer around his spine? It's terminal. there's nothing that can be done. They're stopping treatment.

I feel like I want to cry.

Best quote of the week

"Well yeah. That's Lolcats. Lolcats are lolcats. They bridge social barriers."

Best. Typo. Ever.

"That jolly old elf with a belly like a bowel full of jelly."

You can't make this up.

Hello, internets

I am a bit overwhelmed at this moment.

I finished the story at 3:30 am. I slept through my alarm and was woken up by a text from Caroline. She's in labor! she's having her baby!

I check online, and three proofreaders backed out cause my story was too intense. Another two couldn't open the document. And three only read the first couple of pages. Oh dear.

Printing out...my printer ran out of paper. Got some more at Allen's. Then it ran out of paper again. Printed at reprographics.

AUGH!

I'm still flying high on adrenaline.


Then today in workshop we were talking about stabbing someone with a potato peeler. Yeah.

OVERWHELMED!

Writing: The process

Right now I'm writing a difficult story. I know this. I know it's tough.

I knew it was going to be tough to write. The story is very close to a situation that happened to a friend. It's not exact, no, because that would be impossible. But the idea of justice in the story, that is a very real feeling for me in regards to this friend.

Yesterday, it almost broke me. I got overwhelmed with the idea that even in a story world, I could not bring justice to this friend. The story was going too slowly, and the main character just didn't act. It wasn't that he didn't have enough motivation to act, he just...didn't. He was paralyzed with inaction, and it was tearing me apart.

I broke down in tears yesterday, and sobbed. I felt like I completely failed my friend, by failing to make this story good or to make this story real. I felt, and I still somewhat feel, that I will be failing my friend if this story is not the best it can be.

I had to majorly rework the story to justify why the character was not active right now. I had to introduce some sort of doubt into the story. Cause if he had no reason not to, then he should've acted already. But, because of the constraints of the story, I couldn't let that happen.

I really ought to not exorcise my personal demons in my prose writing.

First exerpt from my story

Here's a tiny little bit of the story.

*****

Mother sets the teacup down on the thin china. "I wish him luck." The teacup almost tips. "May he live his life well."

Some of the coffee drips onto the perfect saucer. Words are difficult. "I'm glad you're okay, mum."

She smiles, frail, the corners of her lips shake. She glances out the curtained window. 'When'll you come back for another visit?"

"I don't know, mum."

Her lashes look down. "The tomatoes will be ripe next week."

I stand, she's small in her chair. "I love you, mum."

"Give me a call if you need money. Or anything."

"I will."

She stares at her white hands. I walk out, my shoes clicking on the linoleum. She keeps it clean, her kitchen is always spotless.

****

Overheard at work

V: Who wants coffee!
K: Ohhh...I do....
V: What's up?
K: I'm trying to give up starbucks.
T: Oh good luck. I tried that. It never works.

freewriting

I was (finally) able to freewrite a scene. It turned out well.

Then I wrote another scene that I'm particularly proud of.

Maybe I will be able to write this.

I'll try.

It's due in a week.

Darkly Dreaming Lyn

So, my newest story is dark. Dark dark dark dark dark.

I can't rely on my usual proofreaders for this one. It's morbid, it's violent, and it has disturbed most people who I've told about it.

Research for it has been giving me nightmares.

The worst part? It's due Thursday, October 8th. So I have practically zero time to get adjusted to the idea of it. So it's all cramming down in my head all at once.

So, my three or four readers of this blog, do any of you want to help me with this? I'm going to need questions to write about. I'm going to need feedback. I'm going to need a proofreader that's not going to blast me for the subject matter.

So, homework has started and I'm in an odd mood.

Yeah, homework happens now. I have a two page paper to write, some fiction to read, and some nerves to gather up.

Oh yeah, that's cause I'm starting acting tomorrow.

I'm scared. I'm scared shitless.

What if I make a fool of myself and no one thinks good of me? What if I disappoint? The fact that Brenda might be teaching does not make things easier. She knows me. She could be disappointed if I don't do well. There's also the bugging thought: what if people don't like me as much cause of my acting? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if I'm awkward?

Also, it's been a while since I've written fiction. The past two years have been almost exclusively playwriting and screenwriting, which are two MASSIVELY different beasts than fiction. A part of me wonders if I've lost my edge. This frightens me.

Ironically, the only class I'm not nervous about is the class I have absolutely no experience in: TV writing.

Maybe that's why. There are less expectations. If I suck, I can play it off as not knowing what I'm doing.

My opinion on the matter...

I don't know about you, but I'm grateful for my education. And I am very grateful for my professors.

I have had many professors here at UC Riverside who have positively and greatly impacted my education and my writing.

Goldberry Long: She first introduced me to the idea of freewriting. The idea that sometimes you just need to let yourself writing, that you need to get things on the page before even thinking of making it "pretty" or gramatically correct. She taught me the idea of having multiple conflicts over a story, and how there are more possibility for conflict with three characters rather than two, ect. ect. She taught me story structure and how you have to base your writing in the creative effort.

Michael Jayme: While Goldberry taught me the creative ideals, Jayme put a lot of emphasis on the technical aspect of writing. Everything was scrutenized for grammatical errors, even the critiques. Comma splices, sentence fragments, and interiority. Oh, the interiority. Everything had to be different levels of interioirity, and those who got that got the good grades.

I would not have been able to learn if they were not in the classrooms.

Just because you're pay is being cut, you do not have to harm the students by walking out. We have to pay more now, don't give us less than what we paid for.

BEST. TWITTER. CONVERSATION. EVER.

writerLynSomeone thought I was 14. That sure inspires confidence in me right before starting my senior year of college. I need to cut my hair.

IHateThisSANC@writerLyn Try looking 16 and about to have a baby. That's fun lol

tonybaltierraThat's called Juno, Caroline: RT @IHateThisSANC @writerLyn Try looking 16 and about to have a baby. That's fun lol

writerLyn@IHateThisSANC I love you. So much. I just busted up laughing at work, and now the marketing director gave me a funny look. THANK YOU! :D

Overheard today

*****

Bosses Boss from her office: Hey! They're offering me a free porno!
Secretary: A free what?
Bosses Boss: A free porno!
Secretary: That's a deal.
Bosses Boss: I've never seen one of those before!
Secretary: A porno or a free porno?

*****

Oh! Remember those student profiles that I STRUGGLED with? And got no response? Well, basically AGSM's runner boy came to drop off some print advertising, and he stopped and said:

"Oh! Thank you so so much for those student profiles! We loved them!"
Me: "Really?"
Him: "Yes! They were great!....Carolyn didn't email you back about them, did she?"
Me: "Nope."
Him: "Well, in this case that's a great thing."

Yay personal affirmation.

*****

So, screenplay

I got to page 100 on my screenplay today. I am on such a writers high.

They say that it takes 4-7 screenplays before someone writes a good one. So I'm one away from that.

Best non-sequitur. Ever.

Lyn

the writing was awesome, though

I only stopped cause my wrists got tired

11:53pmEvan

Oh?

11:55pmLyn

oh, I saw a guy riding a harley only in his whitey tighties today

I kinda did a wtf face at that

11:56pmEvan

I've been teaching yoeman girls how to flip a balisong

Eww

11:56pmLyn

yeah. It was on the 91 freeway, too

Peer Mentor Training - reflections.

So this week I have horridly been absent from the internet. Facebook has been the only one receiving any bit of attention, and even then not much. Twitter has had maybe three updates, this blog has been forgotten, and myspace...well...myspace is pretty much dead.

Overall, peer mentor training was remarkably smooth. No huge embarrassments, no weird tension with former friends, no massive sicknesses. I mean, it had it's ups and downs (I'm looking at you, Program Director) but it was overall good.

And it gave me some confidence. Confidence that hey, I've found something I'm good at that can help people. Cause as much as I love writing, it doesn't really have to many aspects of social change.

It's given me confidence that hey, I might be somewhat charismatic. I'm terrified of crowds, but who do I have myself to compare to? The theater department. They all, and I mean all (I'm looking at you, Rinata) completely outshine me in charisma and leading a group. So I was kind of gauging myself off of that. But I'm not too bad, actually. In the peer mentors, I'm actually fairly decent.

It's given me confidence that hey, this next years peer mentor group is gonna rock awesomely. Honors nine will be amazing. I'm sure of it.

It's given me confidence that honors is going in the right direction. Emily will be awesome. Emily will most likely be stressed, but awesome.

Bored at work

I'm relatively bored at work. I'm writing a profile for the business website.

So, to pass the time, I'm trying to think up the worst first lines of stories. Vote for which one you want to be actually made into a story.

****

"And then one day, she started buttoning her jeans differently"

"His desk was full of germs, all over, from the crumbs in the keyboard to the fingerprints on the monitor to the sticky tape residue left by some uppity secretary having the audacity to tape something to his computer, that bitch."

"Someone touched his kleenax box, he was sure of it."

"He was originally skeptical of such passing fads such as facebook or twitter, until he realized he could look up anyone - his ex-wife's mother will get what she deserves"

"No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't drive past his house without feeling like she was some how not needed to happen."

"When in a bad mood, she would call upon the god of cubical walls, the god of coffee, and the god of poorly designed computers."

"She only felt alive when she danced, which was unfortunate, cause she was a paraplegic."

"The cat was staring at him with it's tiny eyes again, he could feel it, he could feel it."

"He only went into work because the alternative would be to sit at home eating easy mac and watching bad tv show reruns, but he already did that this weekend and no one likes monotony."

"It's a lot easier to start thinking as a communal insect once everyone was considered equal, he had to give it that."

"Nothing could've prepared him for the pudding apocalypse, nothing."

"And on that day, she ran out of beef jerky, so those crap-spewing, teeth-smiling, pig-wearing, scaly son-of-bitches were gonna die."

A chronical of today - Alone in the office 1/2

7:52 - I unlock the door then lock it right again behind me. I work in the UV. Can't be too safe. Especially when I'm all alone in the gigantic stratcomm office.

8:03 - Holy crap this place is huge.

8:16 - Posted on facebook about being able to hear the crickets. Within four minutes I got a fb message from the art director saying that they were watching me.

8:35 - I get my first phone call as acting secretary. It was from the actual secretary. Telling me that she left me some candy.

9:06 - I start to look up more furnature. This time doing a floor plan that's sadly to scale. Conclusion: I really can't do a full bed. Not it and my couch. Sad.

9:17 - Some very large guy just walked by, slowly. His footsteps echo along the outside of the walkway.

9:18 - Hey wait, wasn't Andy supposed to be here by now? I wanted to leave him in control of the office so I could go get some coffee. Dang it! I can't leave without him to watch over the office! And I want my coffee. Late nights at Angela's mean I don't get much sleep, and I need some caffeine.

9:26 - I might have to be alone in the office today with no caffeine. Holy crap. So not fair.

9:32 - Gave in and turned on my music. Slightly better. Still no caffeine.

9:42 - Ever wish you can wave your hand and make everything in your friend's lives better? Yeah, I'm doing that right now. I see some of my friends in utter pain, and I want to be able to convince them that things will get better, that this is not the ultimate moment of feeling in their lives, that things are not going to stay in this sort of status quo for forever. Life has it's ups and downs. This is a definite down, but it can move up. When my friends abandoned me after freshman year, I thought that I would be stuck in that funk for forever. But guess what. I wasn't. When Ryan and I broke up, I thought I would be stuck in that horrible feeling that I messed something huge up. But life rebounded. And life will continue to rebound. This is not hell, life will get bettter. Now if only I could actually convince someone of that.

9:50 - Just got an invite from Sarah for a possible game night. On Friday. I doubt I can come, cause I have to carpool down with Allen the next day for Sarah's concert. Darn. I'm gonna try, see if I can convince Allen to spend the evening with my dad or something...though that might be mean.

9:53 - First phone call from someone who was actually trying to reach someone. I told her to leave a message with the voice mail. She didn't believe me. That's just amazing.

10:04 - A song from high school just came on my itunes. Something like Silas. Weird. Brought back the emoness that is hume lake.

10:15 - I wish I had something to do. All I had to do today is make some quick gramatical changes on a short piece. But I'm officially answering phones for my job. Lovely.

10:37 - Nothing quite like getting story ideas and not being able to work on them.

10:39 - There are some people outside, yelling. I think they're downstairs. But they're echoing.

10:46 - Just found my office's supply of UCR mms.

10:50 - A hobo just raided the outside garbage can.

11:08 - I find out it's Marcia's, my bosses bosses boss, birthday today. I should probably not eat her mms, then.

11:14 - Getting lonely. Really lonely.

11:25 - Talked to Allen, he'll be coming over within the next half hour. And he'll be bringing food. And AJ will come and visit on his lunch visit. Oh thank god. People. And food. And caffeine. So much want.

11:28 - Somehow, after yesterday, Angela is not hungover. I don't quite comprehend her.

11:46 - I just successfully postponed my jury duty until the week after finals. Cause that'll be good. Doing jury duty during the holidays. At least it's better than during the first week of school.

11:48 - AJ's here!

things on my mind

*****
I am definitely looking forwards to the John Williams concert. So much. The only part that's not as much is the idea that we will be driving from LA to San Diego that night. That'll be murder. Maybe I'll buy an energy drink.

*****
Just thought about that. No. Mr. Ed is bringing wine. I don't want to have an energy drink and wine. That's just bad.

*****
Maybe I'll get some of that Cardinale to bring, so they can try it.

*****
Allen and I had a fight on Monday. It wasn't a horribly dramatic fight, but it needed to happen. It pretty much spun from the fact that we hadn't had ANY alone time between the two of us since...since Colorado, pretty much. And that's from a combination of many things, a couple of friends broke up so we had to keep them company, family matters, work, ect. But regardless, it was bad. For both of us. So I took Tuesday off and we had a vacation together down to San Diego. I feel...much better? A bit on edge cause of the fight, but utterly relieved that we talked it out and both decided to make a bigger effort for the two of us.

*****
Dawn just told me I am monkey lady today. Great. So I am making copies and stapling and collating. That's just so much fun.

*****
Someone's holding a conference in the kitchen. So I can't really go in and get my water bottle. Bummer.

*****
I can't wait for Sarah's concert, either. I really want it to be perfect for her. I'm wracking my brains for a gift to get her for it, I really don't know yet. Probably I'll end up with a book. But I want it to be a bit more special than that.

*****
I had the most brilliant idea for Allen for his birthday. Awesome. Now to start saving time and money for that.

*****
I got my paycheck today, so I'm so going down for coffee right this moment. Me? Hyper? Always better.

*****
Okay so I got iced tea. That works.

*****
So I just realized that one of the secretaries is very negative. She's nice, but very negative.

*****
Someone's in to interview for Kat's position. Okay? That's fairly bizarre. I thought we had a hiring freeze, yet more and more people keep on getting more jobs.

*****
Today I think, after work, I'll go to the bank and deposite my pay check, I'll go home and get my car, put gas into her, then drive off to redlands for some writing and buy the Cardinale. My goal is to finally finish this fight, then write the next ten pages. And to not be concerned about being OUT of structure. Cause that's frustrating, but a problem for revision. Maybe I'll finish the fight scene at home, so I can have Allen and Evan to bounce action ideas off of. And that'll take care of the time to let traffic die down. And then I can eat lunch at home, reducing my costs. Yes. This sounds excellent.

*****
Tomorrow I'll be the sole person in the office. I think I'll bring my laptop for music. Heck yes. Though that will be INCREDIBLY lonely and boring.

*****

At the end of a crappy day of work

So I got most of my work done within the first half hour. Good. I felt decent about that.

Then I attacked the interview of bad grammar. And promptly got mired in the unwritableness of it. This person tried so hard to make all of his statements ripe for marketing, and it turned into just impossible to use for marketing. Lovely.

So I went to write outside, which usually breaks the mindlessness.

And I got a call from my mother. I've been called into Jury Duty. The first week of school. In freaking COMPTON.

I try to write some of my own stuff to calm myself down, I can't get more than a sentence out. Which does nothing to make me feel better. In fact, it only fuels into my doubts that I just might not be good enough. Cause I certainly feel puny.

****
And now someone in the office is playing bagpipe music. FML.

The days since Thursday

So I didn't go into work, for starters. We left for the campsite at around...2, after a few false starts and a long break at Subway.

Driving up there it was 107. Which was just plain depressing. Once we turned up the mountain, though, the temperature just started to drop. Evan was fast asleep, so Liz and I talked about extreme trucking. I kid you not. Apparently there's a TV show. The horror story from that one was the guy who had to truck over ice on the last trip of the season with a load that was liquid, which meant it moved around a lot, at 10 mph. Freaky. It gave me nightmares.

The camp site was already there for us, secluded, though we drove by a TON of motor homes and such. I mean, this place was worse than the small city up at Lake Hemet!

We made a trip down to the general store, played a ton of uno (I won twice, luckily, then on the ultra round Jad completely trounced us) and found a crap load of beads at the campsite. I mean, a CRAP LOAD. Like a craft fair had an battle to the death or something. It was intense. And they were fun to shoot from Evan's semi-professional sling shot. Especially at squirrels. Remember the fact that we were pissing off the squirrells.

Come nightfall, we had to light the propane lantern. It FWOMPED. And burned the hair off of knuckles. And Bree and Liz obsessively hunted down bugs. You learn a lot about the bugs around you when you camp with entemologists.

Friday:
Evan woke up with a swollen toe, there was a fire about 10 miles away, and the air was super smoky. As in I'm having troubles breathing type of smoky. The people at the general store assured me that the fire would be coming nowhere near where we were, but that the smoke would be bad. And I only had my contacts. It made most of Friday a day where it hurt to blink and it hurt to breath. Lovely. That kinda limited our activities for most of the day.

However, Friday was not all bad. Catan was played, then the best surprise of all: Allen was able to come! In a convoluted series of events, Evan had to run down home to help his mom with something, so Craig took him down, and since Allen had then finished his final, he was able to hitch a ride up. And he brought his football, and Evan grabbed his rubber knives and his sword with the back holster. Remember the fact that we had the sword.

We had to wait until nightfall to do any cooking, for the campsite was full of bees and yellow jackets during the day. So we had to hold the same propane lantern up, and someone had to stand guard with the bug zapper. The bug zapper that basically barbequed any bugs that flew into it...including spiders. That was empowering.

So we played more uno and watched more stars and heard some more stuff move about the campsite.

Saturday:
Saturday was pancake day. Which meant we actually had to cook while the sun was out. Bad, bad luck. Yellow Jackets. Especially the fact that the stove wasn't working correctly and we only had small pans. So it took a full two hours to cook the pancakes, with alternating shifts of Evan and Jad cooking. We also made WAY TOO MANY pancakes in way too big of a bowl. So we put the batter bowl on a faraway table, full of water, with the spatula in it, the lid on top to keep out the yellow jackets. Remember this.

Allen and Evan were up the earliest, shooting squirrels with beads and stuff. Pissing them off. Remember this.

The guys decided to knife fight, which was epic and, in my opinion, good for the guys. It's always good for guys to be guys, and it seems that they had a blast. And by them having a blast, they talked about it for the rest of the day.

I also discovered the sports setting for my camera, which means I got some epic shots. SO EPIC.

Then we went swimming. We basically commandeered the deep side of the pool from all the old people with their noodles and swimming aids, and did a short diving competition. which rocked. And then they did synchronized diving, which means I got some AMAZING shots. Especially with this sports setting.

The old people at this place were mean! The people in front of me in line to get a snack were all pissy that there wasn't any ice cream, and they completely ratted out the poor old lady who was working the snack shack. I mean, please. It wasn't her fault.

And then my shoe exploded. On the way from the pool to our campsite. So I had to ride on Evan's shoulders and piggy-backed from Allen the entire half mile walk back. Over rough terrain. Take a -2 for speed and being encumbered.

We came back, and the lid was off of the batter bowl, and the spatula was gone. Like, gone gone. We couldn't find it at all. We chalked it up to stupid kids or ambitious squirrells. We had been pissing off the squirrels.

That night, after the nastiest mac and cheese and the most depressing game of Catan at the far table, we came back and our cloth cooler was knocked over. Oh well, someone must've bumped it. So to bed we go.

At one AM, I hear from one of the three tents: "It's trying to get inside of my tent!" in a high, panicked voice. Then a "what the hell!!" and "where is it, where is it??"

So I'm wide awake.

Then "oh my gosh, it's on the table! What the hell is that? It's huge!"

I spring up, look outside the window, and there is a gigantic raccoon. And by gigantic I mean about three times as big and as fat as the fattest cat you've ever seen.

Pretty much everyone clatters out of the tents. Except Evan. Allen is wide awake and totally pumped up on adrenaline, and Craig has the intense flashlight up. We advance on it, I get literally five feet away...

...and watch it just unzip our cloth cooler, take out some graham crackers, and lumber away. It had no fear of us wanting to scare it away. I was standing three to five feet away, taking pictures, and it just chomped down on our graham crackers.

"Where's the sword?" Allen said, turning towards Evan's tent. But no, he was fast asleep. As in dead asleep. We had been yelling and laughing and waving our hands, and he was asleep.

Craig suggested we get the sling shot. But no, that was in Evan's tent as well.

After about an hour of us following it out and waving our hands to scare it away, it finally lumbered off past the ravine. And leaving all the guys totally pumping with adrenaline. Allen totally got into the protective guy mode, not even wanting to let me out of his sight. I asked him if he was gonna have nightmares from it, from the idea of something trying to get into the tents to get me, and he pretty much said yeah.

When heading back to the tents, we found the slingshot just on one of the chairs. Just chilling there. Out the entire time. Of course.

It took a while before people got to sleep again.

Sunday:
The guys were up and at it much earlier than the rest again, of course. And Allen had a nightmare about me getting kidnapped, of course.

Sunday was mostly full of trying to get the other tents up so we could pack up the stuff and head home, for Allen and Evan were a bit tired of the camping trip, plus Allen had something to do. We left at about 11:45, had a quick stop at a drive through starbucks, and was home.

On Sunday night I went to go see Twelfth Night at the park. It was...okay. Most of the people were obviously acting. Malvolio and Tobias were obviously in the characters, and they made the show. And yes, S. was there. Oh well. She glared at me from back stage a bit. It obviously disturbed me a ton.

I talked to Robin Russin, he greeted me by asking if I was a theater major yet. I talked with Paul, he asked me to audition for the next play. The auditions are Wednesday. Not sure if I'm gonna go.

Dreams and other stuff

DREAM:

So I was in a school for evil geniuses. Yet, for some reason, I was in all the remedial classes. Like, basic addition, basic naming of countries, basic history, ect. So I skipped class.

Oh, also, I wasn't an evil genius. I was actually quite good. And I could fly.

Which caused quite a stir. I mean, an evil genius actually using the powers for good? That's not generally heard of. I would fly around the countryside, freeing people and telling them how bad off they were because of the evil geniuses. But no one really suspected me, cause they wrote me off as a loser and flunker.

Except for one guy, my desk mate. He started tracking the times that I was missing class, and corresponded them with the times people were getting freed.

One time he tracked me coming back from the freeing people thing and met me at the staircase. He handed me a dictionary, and in it was only one definition, repeated over and over again. "TRAITOR"

The problem was no one believed him, either.

****
OTHER STUFF:

I just got the syllabus for my senior thesis class. THAT intimidates me. To no end. Even though it's only 60 pages, that's not too bad. I mean, 60 pages in three weeks? That's only...20 pages a week. Well, that's kinda intense, but it's not like I'm going to have a shortage of free time, right?

Oh wait.

I'm taking three other classes. And working. And teaching a class. All which count for something and can't be dropped. THIS is wonderful. At least one other will include a significant amount of writing. I'm gonna have to organize it so it's not due at the same time as the television script. ACTUALLY, what I should do is write a rough rough draft before school starts so I can at least not stress about it, then go up for workshop the first chance I get. Yeah. That might work. Though that's a bitch of a thing to do before school starts. Especially when I'm working on finishing my screenplay before that time, too. And writing all my stuff for Graduate School Applications.

Goals for this week/weekend.

so, I want to be at or close to the 75 point by the time I leave for camping this week. So to do that, I want to write around 4 to 5 pages each day. I've already written three and a half today.

so to do that, I will abstain from facebook. And web comics. and Cracked.com. And Oodee. Well, at least when I'm on my laptop. When I'm on another computer (and therefore unable to work on it) I'm perfectly fine with checking those things. So work is still in the clear.

For this weekend I want to start reworking the Masterpiece. Which means printing it out and trying to perfect the first half. Cause it's currently my best thing for grad school applications. And the first act is decent.

(EDIT! For those of you who do not know, The Masterpiece is a title of something. It's not really a masterpiece. It's actually a bit sucky. In this current draft.)

My coworkers

This week has been full of performance reviews. Everyone's been having to go into the boss's office for a good hour and get "evaluated".

I'm just lucky I'm a student and that doesn't count for me.

Anyways, one of the marketing people went in there, came out, and whispered-screamed "I HATE THIS PLACE!"

Scared

There are some huge changes coming ahead in my life, and they frighten me. Things that I have been expressly forbidden from telling anyone. Which makes it seem even worse. the things themselves are just plain confusing, but the fact that it has to be secret and has to be under wraps just...scares me.

Demon dreams

So, I had a fairly horrible dream last night. I'm gonna try to be creative with it. So bear with me. If it sounds weird, it's cause the dream was weird.

It was such a stereotypical horror nightmare.

*****
It started with small things. A cup moving from one side of my desk to the other. A wisp of cool air across my neck. The feeling that someone was barely, just barely touching the top of my neck. I'd close my eyes, and my eyelashes would flutter.

I sat down next to Allen, strangely enough at my work desk. Apparently he got hired at strategic communications as well.

"I think it happened again," he said.

"What?" I reached for my water bottle, missed it. He pointed, it rested in the back of my desk, near my target and business cards.

"oh well." I grabbed it and thought nothing more.

****
The next day my band director died. A freak accident. They found his heart in the other room. It was still trying to beat.

****
Someone was following me. Slow, deliberate footsteps echoed around the hallway. I was at the house, but everything elongated. All the dust and dirt and kitty litter on the floor kept on rattling, disappearing, being sucked into the void of someone following me. I couldn't reach the end of the hallway, as if it kept on stretching and stretching and -

-And a heavy hand slammed on my shoulder. I turned, saw a glimpse of a human form, before it all crumpled into literal dust. I was left with a large mark of ash all over my shirt.

****
Everything in the kitchen was floating two feet about the counter. Knives hummed in mid air, a pan of half-scrambled eggs floated a few inches away from the actual frying pan.

****
My parents were found dead. Clawed through. I opened my eyes to see the demon hunched over me.

He reaches a twisted hand out to me, slashing. I screamed, and he disappeared, leaving bloody gashes across my face.

****
The army tried to take him down. They're sat over a sand pit, I watched from the bleachers. Allen had his arm around me.

The sand started to swirl, disappearing, consolidating into a single human feature. I craned my neck, trying to see over, into the pit, it vanished.

An Army Private throws a handful of concrete dust into the sand pit. The shape was briefly illuminated by the falling dust.

A line of blood slowly appeared across the Private's chest. He stared in horror, it grew, ripped him apart.

Allen covered my eyes from the rest.

****
Allen and I were sitting on the couch in the house. I was crying into his shoulder (the tears stung my injured face), he was looking around.

A pot dropped in the kitchen. I jumped up, staring at it.

The dust on the fridge and under the stove rattled out, forming the demon. He reached for me.

I ran to it, hysterical, wanting to stab it or punch it or just hurt it, and Allen grabs me, holding me back.

"No! It'll kill you!" He yelled, I kicked up, still trying to get to the demon.

****

and then I woke up. I had to turn the lights on in my room to make sure that all my stuff wasn't floating. I couldn't get back to sleep for a few hours.

stolen from Rinata.

Did you just wake up?

Hah no. I've been awake for 18 hours.

What's the color of the soap in your bathroom?

Uh. I'm actually not sure. And I'm too lazy to get up and check.

The next person you'll hold hands with...will it mean anything?

I think so!

What is your middle name?

Noel. Yeah, My parents thought they were clever

What can you hear right now?

The cats scratching at the...litter box.

Who was your last text from?

Jad! He's on set right now, which sounds awesome.

Are you someone's close friend?

Yeah

Last time you cried?

This afternoon on my drive home.

When's the last time you looked in the dictionary?

Today. My job requires it. And someone told my boss he was full of "puffery"

Have you seen all the Rocky movies?

Seen none of them actually

What books, if any, have made you cry?

Haha way too many to count.

Last thing you drank?

Water

When's the last time you chose a bath over a shower?

Wow seriously a long time ago. Like...three or more years ago.

Where did you sleep last night?

My bed.

Do you have good vision?

Ha not at all.

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?

Star Trek. At the bargain theater

Has anyone ever cheated on you?

Not that I know of

Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?

I have a lot more guy friends than girls.

Have you been to New York City?

A long time ago

Does whatever happens in Vegas... really stay in Vegas?

Well it didn't for me, but nothing bad happened so it's a moot point.

Are you closer to your mother or father?

I'm closer to my mom, but I get along better with my dad.

Look outside, how's the weather outside?

Dark

What was the last thing you saw on TV?

HIMYM

Do the speakers on your computer work?

Sorta. Not amazingly.

Do you have a job?

Hell yeah! Puffery and WoW and xyzzy!

Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?

Uh, yes? Why is this important?

Do you have any children?

Nope.

Have you ever written in wet cement?

Actually, no. I always wanted to, but I never wanted to do something too permanent.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

Uh...My mother

Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?

Hell no.

Ever lied about your age?

Yeah. I once told a guy I was 25 to see what he did. He didn't believe me.

What are you looking forward to?

School. And...that's about it. Oh! And Spamalot.

What do you usually do first in the morning?

Try to go back to sleep.

What is one emotion you are feeling right now?

Sad and lonely. But not ridiculously so. Just quietly so. Does that make sense?

Opposite sex on your mind?

Totally.

Do you find the opposite sex confusing?

Oh heck yes.

What is the reason behind the last time you cried?

Really, it was cause a lady was mean to me at the restaurant.

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now?

Right now I really want Allen.

Are you gonna be home alone tonight?

Well, I'm home alone already.

Do you have a best friend?

Yeah

How old are your siblings?

One is 25 and the other is...wow, 14.

What do you carry with you at all times?

Knife. Yeah, I'm bad-ass.

How many piercings do you have?

one in each ear

How many tattoos do you have?

eww none.

Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?

I like talking on the phone more, but I'm really bad at it.

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Mid day person.

Are you perfect? I

Hah

How many times have you been to Canada?

Once. But apparently I'm going next summer.

Who was the last person you told a personal story to?

Rinata, over AIM.

What did you do yesterday?

got food poisoning and had to council a heartbroken friend. Yup, fun.

Ever cried yourself to sleep?

Duh.

What shoes are you wearing right now?

Barefoot

When is your birthday?

December freaking Christmas.

Do you regret anything?

always. I try not to, though.

Do you have a brother?

Nope.

Do you have your license?

Had one for 5 years.

What's worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you?

Mad. I can't stand to have people mad at me.

Do you know how to change a diaper?

Actually no. I try to avoid babies.

Do you get along with girls?

Generally.

Can you honestly say you're okay right now?

I'm okay. Not content or ecstatic, but okay.

Would you go a day without eating?

Actually, no I can't. It has to do with the blood sugar thing.

Do you always answer your phone?

Unless I'm in a meeting or driving. And then I call people back.

Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

I don't think so?

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?

Yeah, there is.

Do you like someone?

Why yes I do.

Responsibility

Sometimes I get tired of being responsible and reasonable. I get tired of doing the smart thing, being the reasonable person to come to for advice. I get tired of always thinking ahead at what needs to be done, rather than what I want to do.

Sometimes I want to stay up the whole night. Watch movies, hang out with friends, write, do something but stay out all night. But I know I have work in the morning, and I'd regret it if I didn't get enough sleep. So I don't do those things.

I feel like I grew up too fast. I feel too young to be concerned with a career, to be concerned with such "grown up" problems that I'm facing. I feel too young to be able to give proper advice, yet I give it anyways. What if I'm wrong? That haunts me.

I wish I could let go for a while. To not care about my reputation. To not care about how much sleep I get or whether or not I'm making the right choices. I want to be able to have fun. To take what classes I want to take without having to jump through loopholes.

The great Colorado/Wyoming adventure

I left work on Friday at 2:30. "But," you say, "you didn't leave until Saturday!" Yes, I say. Yes. We leave Saturday. At 6:45 in the morning. So we had to be down in Long Beach that night, and Aaron was in a show. Which we naturally saw.

"Fools" was decent. A funny cast, an interesting set, and a few nice jokes. It wasn't an amazing play, but that wasn't the fault of the cast. The cast really made the best of it. The costumes were amazing, I must say.

A combination of going out for food, bad service, and an overly eager busboy got us back to Aaron's place and on his couch to sleep at about 12:30.

***

We had to wake up at 4:45 to get to the airport. "But," you say, "aren't you supposed to get there two hours ahead of time?" Yes. Yes you are. Did that happen? No. We got there at about 5:50. We were the last people in line who were considered "on time." The person manning the check in lane for Frontier Airlines asked us to tell anyone who came behind us that they were too late. Of course, a family of six, with four little kids and two stressed out parents got behind us, semi panicking. Thanks, Frontier Airlines, for making us be the assholes. We appreciate it.

Also, thanks Frontier Airlines, for splitting up our party and making me sit between two overweight men with pointy elbows for the two hour flight. I tried to sleep, I tried to write (nosy guy on left kept on trying to read over my shoulder), I tried to read...to no avail. Thanks, Frontier Airlines, for charging for the Onflight movies. I appreciate that as well.

We get to the airport, and on to these people moving trains to get our luggage. The trains had a little jazz riff, then a man in a deep and creepy baritone voice would say "the doors are now closing". It was seriously the voice of a mad scientist.

At the luggage was CAROLINE! She looked utterly beautiful. Her dress was adorable, and it worked so well with her. She was, by far, the most energetic and athletic 8-month pregnant person I have EVER met. EVER. She talked a ton about the type of birth she's giving, the names she's considering (I'm voting for Charlotte) and the different things she's looking forwards to. Plus, every small child and every small animal we saw she completely fawned over. She is in such mother mode, and it's amazing.

We have the drive to the wedding. The three hour drive across Colorado and Wyoming. Here's where we come to the conclusion that the street names in Colorado are amazing.

We got to Laramie at 2. The wedding started at 4. So what did we do once we got to a small western town? We went to the Boot Barn. (after changing into our dresses and suits in the bathroom of a Qdoba) Where it was all SERIOUS country. So many stereotypes. So many.

The wedding was beautiful. They read from The Princess Bride, Jessi and Cramer wrote their own vows, which were beautiful. The train literally went by the moment the minister said "you may now kiss the bride", so it didn't interfere with the ceremony at all. I could spend a long time describing the dress, the atmosphere, the sheer joy on everyone's face...but I do not think I have the capacity for that.

We got to sit with UCR professor Robin Russin, who I have met all of three times, but is utterly awesome. He was able to give us help for grad schools and help for writing. And he was interesting even when we weren't talking about school. He had apparently grown up in Laramie and brought his daughter and wife with him.

My favorite moments of the reception:

• Everyone singing to Caroline to "sweet Caroline"
• Cutting in and dancing with Caroline
• Seeing Jessi and Cramer have their first dance to "I aint nothing without you" from Monsters Inc.
  
• Walking outside in the rain with Allen.

On the drive back from the wedding at 11 at night, there was cloud to cloud lightning.

And the streets corner was "Hangman's road" and "Vigilante"

*****
We didn't wake up until 11:30 on Saturday. So we missed the deer in the front yard. I was okay with that. We explored some of Caroline's EPIC front and back yard, before heading down to South Park, Colorado.

The drive was gorgeous. Jutting hills, white water creeks and rivers, the "best jerky in the west" (it was okay), and lots of stereotypes. I feel bad for writing them all down.

We stopped in the closest place of civilization we could find, a gas station. Call "Loaf'n'Jug." There was a subway inside of it, and there were some old couples praying over their sunday dinners at Subway.

South Park was thee most NON-touristy area ever. They kinda glared at us for taking pictures under the South Park sign. It was seriously like the ghost town in Knotts, except without people in costumes. Except it was totally serious. No irony intended.

That night there was an INTENSE thunder storm. With hail. I tried my hardest not to panic.

****
We woke up to try to call Chandra's radio show, but we couldn't get ahold of her. Sadness.

We talked to Caroline's mother a lot, who I absolutely adore now. She's also into photography, and we compared stuff....

...but we had to leave to catch our planes back.

At least this time we got to sit next to each other on the planes. It made them so much better.

People who inspire me: Part One

People who inspire me.

Dawn, one of the Web Development Bosses at my work.

Dawn is frequently out-spoken, sometimes cranky, sometimes incredibly strict, but never too unreasonable. As a person she's sometimes hard to get along with, but that mostly stems from her "I don't care" attitude towards other's opinions and feelings.

Dawn is a single mother of a teenager, and we often hear lots of stories about her Junior in high school daughter, who sounds exceedingly normal. Dawn apparently went through a rough divorce, but I don't know much about that.

Dawn put herself through law school in the evenings while working full time at UCR. She taught Mock Trial, she tutored kids interested in becoming a lawyer, and volunteered with her church and school district.

This last summer Dawn took 6 weeks off to study for the bar, then she took it. We don't know the score yet, but she actually felt comfortable with it. No one I have ever talked to said they felt comfortable with the bar exam. Ever.

And she has sent off her application to work at the DA's office as a Prosecuting Attorney.

hyper?

I feel ridiculously hyper and have a TON of stuff going through my mind....so this will be random.

People shouldn't take work personally. It's the reason why there is a separation between work and a private life. Just because someone's being snippity to you at work does not need to ruin your day.

Usually apologies mean the world to me, but in one occasion that happened yesterday, I really question the authenticity. It doesn't help that I never really trusted this person to begin with. Yeah.

My hair is getting long. I kinda like all the stuff I can do with it, I don't really like the tangles and the mess and the frayed ends.

I'm so excited for DnD tonight. Like, unreachable levels of excitement.

I want to learn to be sneakier. Maybe it has to deal with me watching a lot of Leverage and seeing the spying sneaking around part and thinking it's really cool. maybe I should get back into a fighting class, maybe. or a parkour class of some sort. I am a bit too much of a ninja.....

I just got a craving for crappy country music. I blame Rinata. And Pandora for enabling me. Dang it! I thought I had kicked that addiction. Darn you! I shake my fist at the entirety of country music.

I feel ridiculously cheerful. Not sure why.

Twitter is being temperamental. Dang. It's such a source of amusement for me at work. And it provides me the in look on a bunch of TV celebrities that I love. and the television writers.

Speaking of which, still excited about television writing. I want to start! Allen and I made a challenge to each other, that regardless of what is required of us for it, we'll make the entire bible for the show and for everything we need to for shopping it around. I hope mine turns out AMAZING! By the end of the class I want to be able to write an episode in a week, cause that's what you'd have to do in the real world of television writing.

I have so many things I want to do with my life, sometimes I feel I'm without direction. I want to be famous. I want to learn how to defend myself (and basically be a badass), I want to be a good writer, I want to be more involved with theater, I want to be more knowledgable, I want to be a better singer, I don't really know everything I want to do.

Television writing

I'm so excited for that class. This summer has taught me that I am not made for an office cubicle job.

I really have learned to love the craft of television. Yes that means I have to watch a lot, but I like it.

I have different ideas for my current television idea.

****

• it will involve zombies.
• It will involve a small group dynamic (ala firefly) of survivors
• the leader will be an ultra strong woman. Like, a woman warrior. She is not the main character.
• I might have the main character have a crush on her, though. but I haven't decided on the main character's gender yet. So that could be interesting.
• I want it to involve a quirky sense of humor. Not sure how that can mesh with the above point. If I do something with gender roles in crisis situations, I'm not sure how well that will do without insulting lots of people.
• I want it to be a procedural, but with overtones of serial. If that makes any sense.
• I want it to include guns.
• I have several character arches already planned out.
  

Random thoughts

• My coworker's dog eats better than I do. I guess that's what happens when you're on a salary.
• I'm beginning to make friends with the 7/11 clerk, cause their coffee is decent and it's only 99 cents.
• I will write some this weekend, hopefully 10 pages. I want to do ten pages.
  
• I am scared and terrified that I am not good enough to make it in hollywood for writing.
• I miss theater so much.
• I want to go to LA and register my scripts once I'm done with this one, I'm kinda looking forwards to it.
• So glad I got my paycheck. So glad. Even though, after budgeting everything out, I'll only be able to spend about 500$ of it for the rest of the month. That's not so fun. I guess it's back to saving for me.
  
• I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to do Web content writing for the rest of my life. I am grateful for this job, and I'm learning a lot, but I don't want to be stuck here.
  
• my coworker takes his dog to a freaking PAIN SPECIALIST!
• Twitter is fun, if only for the opportunity that I can see hollywood professionals insight into the business. Like television stars and writers. I love it. I've learned a lot about the business from Twitter
  
• However, the fact that UC president Mark Yudof liked the harry potter movie is rather not important.
• I love how long this website is growing. And they thought it wasn't important enough....
• In playwriting class we would sit together and write plays as a group. I miss that.
• This weekend Allen's taking me to an outlet mall. And to the beach. I really don't know why he's spoiling me so much, but I'm not complaining.
  
• Does it show that I really have no interest writing for the business program?
• I love when I'm bored at work and ALL OF THE SUDDEN I get three people IMing me. It makes me smile :)
• The Colorado/Wyoming vacation is next week. I'm very enthused. Very.
• Talking to people online makes me work harder on the websites. I'm not sure why
• I think I'm going through my mid-year crisis about writing. Yup. It's started. I'm beginning to do the "why should I think I'm any better than the ten million other writers out there?" and the "why didn't I start screenwriting and television writing sooner?" and the "but there's so many people who are better than I am just in COLLEGE what is it going to be like in the real world?" Crap.

Being female is not a bad thing.

And I'm tired of cultural stereotypes that make it so.

I am tired of people using "woman" as a derogatory term.

I'm am tired of certain negative traits being labeled as "feminine" or "womanly".

• Being foolish does not make you a woman.
  
• Being romantic does not make you a woman.
• Being sentimental does not make you a woman.

I am tired of hearing people say "that's cause he has a vagina" as an explanation for a foolish or sentimental action. There is nothing wrong with having a vagina, it shouldn't be a curse word or an insult.

Similar to that, there's nothing wrong with having Ovaries.

Some notes on website construction

• It does not benifit you to make things hard to find. When people go to a website, they have things they want to find out. Putting things where they should not be is not gonna help you.
• Making the navigation confusing/disappearing only pisses off the user. Deal with it and hire a real programmer.
  
• Putting a ton of flash in there does not make it perfect. It makes it flashy. People want information, not flash.
• note to all people: having a dark blue background with black text is not good. I get that dark blue is a fashionable background, but please. Make it readable. The last thing you want is a lawsuit from the ADA people.
• Putting apply now buttons over pictures is pointless and looks cluttered.
• Think before you color code. Mustard yellow is not your friend.
• We get you spent a lot of time on your spiffy powerpoint presentation. However, it's bad as a website. Websites do not need scrolling text or sound effects or gigantic lettering or incomplete sentences in bullet points.
  
• putting things into italics does not make it more important. Putting things into italics makes people squint and get frustrated.
• Do not put pictures in for the sake of pictures. And DON'T use clip art, just cause it's available.
• Do not put all your information in pdf files. They suck. Put it in html pages, people will thank you. You can include them as an option for pdf files, but do NOT do them exclusively.
• Don't be pretentious.
  
• ...And apparently, don't piss off ATT.