Bored at work

I'm relatively bored at work. I'm writing a profile for the business website.

So, to pass the time, I'm trying to think up the worst first lines of stories. Vote for which one you want to be actually made into a story.

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"And then one day, she started buttoning her jeans differently"

"His desk was full of germs, all over, from the crumbs in the keyboard to the fingerprints on the monitor to the sticky tape residue left by some uppity secretary having the audacity to tape something to his computer, that bitch."

"Someone touched his kleenax box, he was sure of it."

"He was originally skeptical of such passing fads such as facebook or twitter, until he realized he could look up anyone - his ex-wife's mother will get what she deserves"

"No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't drive past his house without feeling like she was some how not needed to happen."

"When in a bad mood, she would call upon the god of cubical walls, the god of coffee, and the god of poorly designed computers."

"She only felt alive when she danced, which was unfortunate, cause she was a paraplegic."

"The cat was staring at him with it's tiny eyes again, he could feel it, he could feel it."

"He only went into work because the alternative would be to sit at home eating easy mac and watching bad tv show reruns, but he already did that this weekend and no one likes monotony."

"It's a lot easier to start thinking as a communal insect once everyone was considered equal, he had to give it that."

"Nothing could've prepared him for the pudding apocalypse, nothing."

"And on that day, she ran out of beef jerky, so those crap-spewing, teeth-smiling, pig-wearing, scaly son-of-bitches were gonna die."